Imagine you plan a really romantic date for your husband. You are looking forward to it all day and you can’t stop thinking about it. You go on the date and your husband tells you that he is only doing it for you and he really doesn’t enjoy going on dates. Would that change the experience of your date knowing that your spouse wasn’t enjoying it and just doing it for you?
This is the same for our husbands when they know we aren’t enjoying being intimate with them. Many of us women have formed certain beliefs and thoughts around sex that cause how we show up. Being intimate is a big deal for our spouse. In Letters to a Young Mormon, Adam Miller described it this way to his son: “A hunger for sex will grow in you that is just as real, just as native, and just as pressing as your need for food and sleep. This new hunger is different from others. You’ll die if you don’t eat and breathe, but you won’t die if you don’t have sex- though. to be honest, you may sometimes feel like you will.”
What are you beliefs around intimacy? Is is just for your husband? Being intimate is a very important part of your marriage, not just for your spouse. It has proven to bring connection and closeness to a marriage. Here are two ways that will help to enjoy being intimate more:
1-Ask your brain good questions to get good answers. When you ask yourself: what is wrong with me, why can’t I enjoy it more- it will give you all the reasons why you can’t. Our brains are good at finding evidence for whatever we are thinking. However, if you ask a more positive question for it to solve like: How can I enjoy sex more with my Husband? Many of us LDS women don’t like to go there, but it is crucial to a thriving, enjoyable marriage. Write out all your beliefs and thoughts around it to discover why you aren’t enjoying it or why you don’t have a desire to do it more often. It will feel scary, but it is necessary. Once you see some of your beliefs, decide if it is serving you to think this way. Does it cause me to feel close to my spouse or does it cause me to be distant? What can I be thinking to create more desire to want to be intimate with my spouse?
2- Educate yourself. There are so many resources out there to help in this area. Many appropriate books to help women understand why we do the things we do and how we think around sex. Awareness is the first step to change. This is a gift for your marriage and for you, not just for your spouse.
Everything else in your life will feel like a bigger priority, but I promise that when you make this more of a top priority, it will bring a beautiful connection and love that has been missing.