The One On How To Play On God’s Team.

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Heavenly Father has a team.

Jesus Christ is the Head Coach.

When you are baptized, you join the team.  You sign a contract to keep certain promises (covenants) with Heavenly Father.  When we are obedient to these promises, He promises to give you the Holy Ghost in return.

Every week at Sacrament you renew these promises.

At your first team meeting your Coach reminds you of these promises.  He says to keep the commandments.  When you are on the field playing, keeping the commandments will help remind you which way your team is going.  Keeping the commandments will set you free and help you understand the game better.  It keeps you focused on scoring your personal goals.

Next, the Savior says you promise to always remember me.  There is nothing on that field that I haven’t experienced before.  I understand the game and played it perfectly.  There will be times when you will make a bad play or make a mistake- run to the sidelines and repent.  I will embrace you.  I will always be on the sidelines waiting for you, my patience is perfect.

Finally, take my name upon you.  Wear my name on your jersey and show everyone what team you represent.  There will be people in the crowd who will boo you and think you are playing on the wrong team.  But I am the coach and can see the whole field, trust in me.

I will send you the Holy Ghost to help you out there.  You will get fouled, tackled, and kicked down- it is all part of the game.  My Spirit will be there to comfort you, you are never alone.  You may wonder why I won’t run onto the field every time you fall, I will give you the strength to pick yourself up.  This is what increases your faith in me and your own confidence.

Keeping your covenants is choosing to play in the game.

There are many on the sidelines who won’t play- they are distracted by advertisements that tell them to just relax and escape the pain of the game.  Some are so consumed with how to get the most expensive cleats, or some are too worried to be judged by the crowd.  Some really don’t believe this is the right team anymore.

Your spouse may be on the sidelines right now or has decided to quit the team.

Love him, he is still your teammate in life.

A covenant is only between you and God.

Keep playing.  The blessings and power from keeping your covenants blesses you here and in the hereafter.

I promise God will strengthen you in any situation if you stay on the field, this is His team.

 

The One On: God Knows You.

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“…Yea, and he looketh down upon all the children of men; and he knows all the thoughts and intents of the heart; for by his hand were they all created from the beginning.”  Alma 18:32

There are so many truths from this one verse.

God knows all your thoughts.

He knows the things that worry you.

He knows at times you feel alone, especially in your marriage.

He understands that you really just want to be loved and understood.

He loves you.

He also knows your intentions.  He sees you trying.

Keep trying, don’t lose faith.

He knows these things because He created you with his own hands.  Instead of Adam and our Savior creating you like everything else, He came down himself to create you.

He has placed people here to help you.

I can help you.

I want you to feel more peace in your life.

kendra@bravestlove.com

The One On: You Have A Lot More In Common In Your Mixed-Belief Marriage Than You Think

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Imagine you are looking into a clear pool where you can see your reflection.  The reflection is a bit blurry, but you can definitely see that it is you.  All the things you may have experienced and continue to experience with a spouse changing his beliefs about the LDS church are very similar and “reflect” what your spouse is feeling.

Betrayal:  You may of felt betrayed when your spouse finally made the decision to no longer attend church or continue to believe in the LDS faith.  You thought you had married someone with the same values and being Mormon is not a passive religion.  Many of the decisions you make in marriage are based around those beliefs.  But many of these spouses also feel betrayed.  They learn something that may of been hidden in our church history or was glossed over and they feel lied too.  You both feel betrayed in the situation and it feels just as real for both of you.  Betrayal is a terrible feeling no matter where is stems from.

Hurt:  You may feel hurt that they no longer want anything to do with something that feels very real and true to you.  Hurt that this is something you believe that can cause a lot of turmoil in a marriage, having different beliefs.  Hurt that things aren’t what you thought they would be or turned out like you thought.  Many of your spouses feel hurt as well.  They feel hurt that their family members or friends have now turned their backs on them for leaving.  Hurt that people don’t treat them the same.  Hurt that a religion that has been a part of them for awhile is now something that isn’t.  You are both feeling hurt in the situation and may even be unintentionally feeling hurt by each other through your reactions.

Alone:  You may be feeling very alone.  This may not be something that you want to share with others yet, but you crave to talk to someone about it who you won’t feel judged by or felt sorry by.  You may be feeling very alone in how you are going to raise your children being the only spiritual leader in the home.  Maybe you feel more alone now in your marriage because you can’t share your spiritual experiences that are a big part of your life with your spouse.  Your spouse may be feeling very alone as well.  He has left something that guided a lot of his decisions and thoughts and isn’t sure how to navigate his way yet.  Alone in maybe feeling like something was wrong with him because he didn’t have any of the spiritual experiences that you always had.  He may of felt alone at church for a long time before telling you.

Because we see life through our own personal lenses, we think we are the only ones who are experiencing pain and that the other person doesn’t understand.  You both may be experiencing pain for different reasons, but pain is pain.  When you can get to a place where you can respect and be open to where he is coming from, then you can see that you both actually have a lot more in common still than you think.

If you are feeling very alone in your situation, I provide a safe space to share your experience.  I can help show you the lenses to how you are seeing everything and clear them up.  Email me for a free mini-session to share your story at Kendra@bravestlove.com

The One On: The Number One Way To Build Self-Confidence.

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One of my favorite quotes of all time is: Never lose who you really are in a moment of who you want to be.  I love this quote because there are things that we know in our core of what we really want, but in the moment we don’t always feel like doing it or being it.

I use to make plans with people to do something, it sounded great in the moment.  However, the day would come and I wouldn’t always feel like doing it, so I would find a better reason to get out of it.  Eventually I stopped making plans with people because I never knew how I would be feeling the day of.  The problem with this is that eventually other people couldn’t rely on me, but more importantly- I couldn’t rely on me.  I wasn’t keeping the commitment to myself.  Our confidence in ourselves is directly tied to how much we can rely on ourselves and have our own backs.  It is keeping a commitment to ourselves.

Sometimes keeping a commitment does involve other people, which is easier for us to stay committed.  However, what about the ones we say we are going to do to better ourselves and never follow through.  We slowly chip away at our self-confidence- we lose trust in ourselves.  Studies have shown that people would rather trust someone than love someone.  Do you trust yourself?

One important way to build your self- confidence is to keep commitments to yourself in the moment, regardless of how you feel.  Always choose what you really want over how you feel.  If you set the alarm to wake-up and workout, even if no one is relying on you meeting up with them, still go for yourself.  If you say you want to get more sleep and get to bed at a certain time, then go to bed.  It may not be easy and your brain will talk you out of it, but choose to focus on why you really want to do this.

Once something is on my schedule, it is as good as done.  I now trust myself that I will follow through, no matter how much I may not feel like it.  It took a lot of practice and one commitment at a time.  Sometimes I will keep my commitment and later realize that I may not commit to it again, but I still learned and made that deposit of confidence to myself.

Self-Confidence=keeping commitments to yourself.  Period.

In my Be Brave program, I help women gain the skills to be more confident and teach you how to live on a schedule so that your life reflects what you really want over just surviving each day.  Come learn more at Kendra@bravestlove.com

 

The One On: One Important Way You Can Bring Unity Into Your Home When There Are Different Beliefs.

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My Mattix who came up with being resourceful.

Your husband has changed some of his feelings and beliefs about the church.  Maybe he always felt that way, but now doesn’t want to feel like a fraud anymore.  Either way, things have changed from when you were first married walking out of the temple together.

When conditions change and they don’t match the blueprints in our minds of how our lives should of turned out, then we quickly start to see everything that is going wrong.  This wasn’t the plan.  However, there are still a lot of things still going right, but they don’t have our attention.  Even though your husband may now have a different opinion about the church and even making decisions that contradict what you still believe, there are still values that you most likely share in common.

Most couples still want what is best for their children.  Most couples still have common core values that they both live by.  One way you can show your children their is still unity in the home even though each parent now has different beliefs, is by choosing a value to focus on as a family.

I sat my family down last month and decided that we were going to choose one value to focus on as a family.  When people thought of the Huffmans, they would think…  We discussed different ideas and finally my son came up with being resourceful.  He is the same son who can’t find a pair of jeans in front of him on the floor and asks for help- so I thought this was perfect!  The Huffman House decided that we were going to spend this year being problem solvers.  Now when any of my children ask for help doing something that I know they can solve for themselves, then I ask how they can be a problem solver.  It has brought so much unity into our family because we are all focused on one value to help us all be better.  Sometimes around the dinner table we will go around and say how we were resourceful that day.

It may feel like there are so many things falling apart, but there are ways to keep it together.  Focus on what you still all have in common.  Although conditions may change, our love remains unconditional.

The One On: What Is My Role Now That My Spouse Has Left The LDS Church?

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Today I listened to a podcast by my coach, Brooke Castillo.  She was talking about this concept called “confirmation bias.”  Which means that when we have a belief about something we are constantly finding evidence to keep proving that belief true, even if it is not a healthy belief or even if we don’t want to believe it.  In general as humans, it is hard for us to be wrong about something, therefore we want to always be affirming what we already believe.  This is why two people can be sitting in a Sunday School lesson and one person is overcome by the spirit and the person next to them is not feeling anything.  They have different beliefs and thoughts which are proving what they already believe is true.  This is another reason why it is so important to be aware of your beliefs and thoughts, they are deciding how you are seeing the world.

One thing I believe that can really pierce through our own confirmation bias is the Holy Ghost.  He has the power to change any kind of heart.  Maybe it feels like your spouse’s heart is so hardened that nothing will break through it.  Luckily it isn’t your job to do it.  Your job is to love him no matter where his heart is.  I believe in the power of the Holy Ghost, stay close to him for your own comfort and guidance on what you should be doing.  Heavenly Father loves you and sees your efforts.  Learn this brave kind of love and turn the rest over to the Lord.  This requires humility.  Humility opens us up to seeing things in a new way or understanding how someone could see something in a completely different way than us.  “…a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God.  And behold they were faithful until the end…”  Alma 5:13  This is our role.

The One On How a Workout Video Takes Courage.

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We know a lot of things.  We know for the most part which foods are good for us and which ones aren’t.  We know we shouldn’t yell at our kids.  We know we should go to the temple often.  So if we know so many things, why don’t we act on the things we know are true?

“…knowing good from evil, placing themselves in a state to act, or being placed in a state to act according to their wills and pleasures, whether to do evil or to do good.”  Alma 12:31

I like to think of it like a workout video.  I know that the workouts on that video will make me stronger.  Many of us are on the couch watching the video and seeing that it could make our muscles strong.  However, we don’t want to get up from the couch.  It’s comfortable.  We don’t want to be sore the next day, so maybe we will do it next week when we feel like it.  (We typically don’t ever feel like it)  The video is too hard, I am not good at those moves.  The reasons in your mind continue to go on and on- but what they are all saying is that you want to stay in your comfort zone.  Guess what?  Muscles don’t get stronger when they are comfortable.  They only grow when they are torn and have weight placed against them- this is where the growth happens.

We came here to act.  The more willing you are to go outside of your comfort zone, the stronger you will become.  It won’t be easy.  It won’t be comfortable.  This is our purpose here on Earth: to prepare to meet God.  He wants to see our strength and watch us as we become the best version of ourselves.  Not to love us more, He already loves us.  He wants it for us, because this is what brings real joy in life.

Have the courage to step outside your comfort zone and watch your life change.

 

The One On What Is Not Your Life’s Purpose.

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Me at The Life Coach School with my Coach Brooke Castillo.

“Don’t worry about what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  -Howard Thurman

I use to think that my life’s purpose was out there somewhere and that I just needed to find it under a rock.  What I have come to learn is that life itself is our purpose.  Being here and embracing wherever you are in this moment, coming alive in where you have chosen to be.  It doesn’t mean you will be here forever.  Maybe you feel like you haven’t chosen where you want to be right now in your life, but the millions of thoughts in your head have led you to your current results.  Your thoughts create how you feel, how you feel drives your actions or inaction, which then leads to your results.

When I had young children that were home with me all day, it was hard to think that this was my only purpose.  However, I had a thought that I wanted to be the one to raise my children.  If that is what I truly wanted over daycare or a nanny, then I better come alive and embrace my situation.  It doesn’t mean I fell in love with diapers, dishes, and doing the same things over and over again each day, but I did start to love that I could plan my own days.  I loved the few times where I got to witness a beautiful moment to watch my child and thank Heavenly Father that I didn’t miss it.  Those few moments compared to the thousand of moments of doing things that I would prefer not to do.  It was my purpose for that time in my life.

As my children got older, I used my teaching degree skills to help them with school.  Even though I got my degree in Elementary Education and got to teach in a classroom for several years, it was okay that wasn’t my purpose anymore.  Now it was to help volunteer in my kids classrooms and use those skills to teach them.  At the same time fulfilling my purpose in my callings and learning to be a better wife (still working on this one).

Now almost all my children are in school and doing great.  I have laid a good foundation for the new purpose I have discovered, Life Coaching.  All the lessons I have learned, experiences I have had, different purposes in my life have all led to this now.  This is what I have chosen to come alive in right now.  I don’t know what else the Lord has in store for me, but I trust Him.  I wouldn’t be doing my purpose right now if I hadn’t taken the time to clean up my thoughts so I can have the results I have now.  Being aware of what you are thinking and why you are doing things is the difference between trying to survive in life and coming alive in your life.  This is it.  Don’t wait to be happy or fulfill your purpose, your life right now is your purpose, so come alive!

I am here to help you clean up your thoughts so that you can stop surviving in your life and actually come alive.  Email me at: Kendra@bravestlove.com.  I think you should follow the thought to contact me already, what do you have to lose?  It’s free.

The One On: 3 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Themselves.

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My Kori not happy getting his hair cut.

Do you have a child that feels challenging?  Maybe they have special needs, maybe they have hormones kicking in, or maybe they just know what buttons to push.  No matter the situation or the child’s behavior, if it feels challenging to you, then it is challenging.

It is very easy to quickly blame these children for all the emotions that it stirs up in you.  They are the cause of your anger, frustration, sadness, or even anxiety.  I know you are thinking: no really, they are.  If they would change then I really would feel better.

Your child’s behavior is completely neutral.  It doesn’t cause you to feel anything.  You have a thought about their behavior that causes your feelings.  Otherwise you and your spouse would have the exact same thought about the behavior, but you don’t.  They may be similar, but not exactly the same- this is what makes it neutral.  Here are 3 great questions to help with your thoughts around your child’s behavior:

1.  How am I contributing to the situation?  This helps us to see that our child isn’t just the problem, we are participating in some way.  Understanding this takes off a lot of blame on our child and helps us be aware of our own behaviors.  Some ways we contribute are: we yell, we argue, we lecture, we hover, we judge, we inject our opinion, we “fix”, we play the victim role, we hurt, we nag, we rescue, we withdraw, we get sarcastic, we over-analyze etc.  We have chosen to participate in some way.

2.  Why am I behaving this way?  The surface answers will be that you are tired, it is the only way to get through to them, it is easier to deal with it this way etc.  However, if you dig a little deeper there you will find the real reasons why you choose to react this way.  Maybe you are afraid they will be judged by others or you will be judged as their mother for their behaviors.  Maybe we need the chaos in our lives because when things are chaotic, then we “don’t have the time” to really figure out what is going on and reflect on how we really feel about it.  Maybe we have carried fears from our past and desperately try to control them from not happening to our own children, but causes us to act in a place of fear, not love. Or maybe we really believe that we can make our child happy.  Once we understand the real reason why and that we are a part of the situation, then we can start to focus on ourselves and how we want to show up for our child, without them needing to change.  Most of the time is not about us as the parents, it is our child trying to figure out life on their path.  They need to be led, guided, and walked beside.

3.  What is Heavenly Father trying to teach me?  What am I supposed to be learning from these challenges?  It is easy to be Christlike when everything is running smoothly and people are behaving by our rules.  The real test of our patience, love, kindness, long-suffering is when our child who we feel responsible for is not turning out like we want them too.  There is a gift (lesson) from God in every situation, open it.

Parenting can be challenging to get a clearer perspective when you are in the thick of it.  Coaching helps you see the bigger picture and understand why we do the things we do.  Let’s work out a specific parenting issue you have in a small coaching session that will be free.  Email me at Kendra@bravestlove.com

The One On: How Does The Lord Want Me To Love My Spouse When Sometimes I Don’t?

 

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I have my path.  It is the path for my life, only me.  I try to jump on other’s paths and control where I think they should go or try to follow them, but I’m not allowed.  My only job is to walk my own path and control me.  I noticed that Heavenly Father never tries to jump onto my path and control me, maybe He isn’t allowed either.  Instead, He gives me the space to make my own choices, even the really terrible ones where He knows I will end up suffering.  He gives me the space to have my own experiences to learn from, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.  His love gives me space to be me and figure out my path.

How do I know He is there if He won’t come onto my path?  It is when I choose to look for Him.  I feel His love when I read a scripture that sticks out to me, I feel His love when a friend texts at the exact moment I needed it, I feel His love when I feel prompted to help someone else, I feel His love when I am snuggling with one of my children.  Love feels grateful and good.  It is not pushy, controlling, judgmental, or manipulating.

Your husband needs the same space from you.  He is walking his own path and needs the space to feel how he wants to feel.  He is trying to figure out his own life, we aren’t allowed on his path even if we believe we know what is best for him.  Just like Heavenly Father, your spouse will feel your love if he chooses to look for it.

We love our spouse because it feels good for us, we get to feel the love, no matter how they respond to it or if they choose not to see it.  We love our spouse because that is what the Savior has asked of us.  This is the bravest kind of love, and it feels right.

This is the work that I do, I help you learn the skills to be able to love like this.  I would love to help you.  Kendra@bravestlove.com to find out more information.