The One On: One Thing You Can Do When You Find Yourself Comparing At Church.

file-1
Me and my Dad at my High School Graduation

Comparison is the thief of joy.   Theodore Roosevelt

I remember sitting in church as a teenager and looking at all the Dads who sat with their families.  Some had arms around the Moms.  I use to dread anything that required the Priesthood because I knew it wouldn’t be my Dad doing it.  I compared myself to all the teenagers who had Dads at church with them.

Comparison really was the thief of my joy at that time.  It wasn’t until I got older and discovered that many Mormon friends who had Dads active in the church, still didn’t have a relationship with their Dad.  Just because their Dad came to church, didn’t mean their life was “perfect”.

Sometimes we know and understand that no one’s life is perfect, but can still catch ourselves not believing it.  You may compare yourself to other families in the Ward who appear to have the “perfect” family.  The main problem with comparison is that it robs you of what you do have.  You are so focused on what is lacking in your life that you miss what is right in front of you.

My Dad and I have a great relationship.  We didn’t talk about religion or politics, but we talked about everything else.  I found my Dad fascinating because he read so much and seemed to know everything when I was a kid.  We have the same sense of humor and both get emotional during a sad movie.  I inherited his organizational skills and not wanting to be wasteful, which has been so helpful as a Mom.  I choose to see all the things he is, instead of what he isn’t.

I promise you that the snapshot of what you are seeing on Sunday or online, is not the whole story.  Marriage may not be their issue, or maybe it is.  It could be something else they are struggling with and they could be comparing themselves to you.

The next time you find yourself comparing yourself to those who have “active” spouses’ or to other women in general- write down 10 things that you want and already have.  This puts you into an abundant mindset, instead of what is lacking.  There is something powerful about wanting something and knowing you have it, compared to just listing what you are grateful for.

Here are mine:

  • I want 4 healthy children and I have it.
  • I want to live in a place where I feel safe and I have it.
  • I want parents who are good people and trying their best and I have it.
  • I want a husband who cracks me up and I have it.
  • I want money to buy food for my family every week and I have it.
  • I want to have the freedom to believe in my religion and I have it.
  • I want to live in a country where a woman can achieve her dreams and I have it.
  • I want a spouse who works hard for his family everyday and I have it.
  • I want to live close to the ocean and I have it.
  • I want a Best Friend who I can share everything with, her name is Monica.  I have it.

What do you want and already have?  And hey, no more comparing.  Got it?

Advertisements

The One On: 4 Steps On How To Have A Conversation That Feels ‘Scary’

IMG_0484

There are 4 things happening in a conversation between 2 people:

  1. What a person says
  2. What they actually mean
  3. What the other person hears
  4. What the other person makes it mean

Can you see how easy it is to mis-communicate?  Especially in a marriage where there is the potential to have many conversations?

Some conversations feel “scary” to have in a marriage.  You may be afraid of your husband’s reaction, or you are someone who avoids confrontation and contention.  Maybe it feels scary because you may not want to hear what the other person is really feeling about something.

Why bother having a conversation if we know it won’t lead to the result that we want?  The answer is: true connection in a marriage comes from a real, authentic place.  It is sharing how we really feel and not holding it in.  When we just comply, avoid, or react in conversations, then we build resentment- which is the biggest reason for disconnection in a marriage.

Here are 4 steps to ask yourself BEFORE you have a real conversation with your spouse:

1- Why do I want to have this conversation?  If your answer has anything to do with an agenda- to change, fix, have him feel sorry, or for him to say something to you, then you may not be ready to have the conversation.  The only reason to have a conversation is for you to feel more connected to him and to be true to yourself.  Connection comes from being vulnerable and real.  Otherwise we are just playing games and trying to control how the other person feels so we can feel better in our marriages- which we all know never ends up working.

2- What do I expect to happen after this conversation?  You have no control over how a person is going to react (what they are going to make it mean to them).  They may or may not change from what we tell them- don’t expect them too.  This is when we get ourselves into a lot of pain.  The only thing you can expect is that you showed up for yourself and shared what was true.  Some of these things can sound like:  I just want you to know that I have been feeling this way..  or I would love it if you could…  You could put in a request, but don’t expect them to comply.  It is letting them know how you feel and not holding it in.

3- How am I feeling right now to have this conversation?  How many times do you just want to talk about something immediately because you are upset, offended, hurt etc?  You are hoping to get it all out so you can feel better.  I promise you that when you begin a conversation from a place of anger, resentment (stuff you have been holding in), defense- you will not represent your best self in the conversation.  You may say things you will regret.  Work through your feelings first.  Write them on paper and get it all out- (don’t hold back).  Then get to a place of love, peace, curiosity, calm, and being open.  You will feel completely different if you approach a conversation from this place.

4- What is my plan?  Think about the things that you want to share.  It is better to begin the conversation with the facts and be specific.  For example- Yesterday, you said this to the kids about the church.  They came and asked me about it.  I was hoping that we could discuss these things before you talked to them.  Start with the facts, then lead into your feelings about it.  Remember, there is no agenda behind sharing how you feel- he may or may not decide to discuss things before he talks to the kids.  But you are calmly sharing how you feel so that you don’t build resentment.  The best is to even approach the conversation with curiosity, really trying to understand where your husband was coming from.  Then give them the space to share how they really feel.

So simple, right?  I wish.  Like everything else in our lives, this too takes practice.  Doing these 4 steps will help bring so much more peace into your relationship.  Not only for your marriage but with yourself.  It is getting your own back and bringing love into the home.

I can help walk you through these 4 steps with your specific situation.  Sign-up for a free session so you can have the confidence in approaching a ‘scary’ conversation.  Click the link below!

https://CoachingwithKendraHuffman.as.me/ComplimentarySession

 

 

 

 

The One On: Contention In The Marriage For Choosing To Stay In The LDS Church.

 

2017-04-08 17.01.28

We see the world and our circumstances from our perspective.  This perspective was formed by the way we were raised, where we grew up, and our personality traits.  Many tiny things over time shaped who we are.  Therefore, we literally make everything about us, because that is how we see it.

If your spouse has left the church and you have chosen to stay, he may take that personally.  He may make it mean something about himself, when it isn’t about him.  It is really about your own faith and the personal spiritual experiences you have had.  But for some spouses if they felt hurt or betrayed by the church, it will feel painful for them to have you still believe in something that caused them pain.  They may take out this pain on you.

Here is one thing I want all of you to know who are trying to stay active in the LDS church while your spouse is against it:  their pain is not about you.  We all think things outside of us is causing our pain, but it is what we are making it mean about ourselves that causes us pain.

Therefore, when it comes to how we treat others, it is really about our own personal ability to love.

You are as lovable as another person’s ability to love.  We think if we behave a certain way or give in to other’s expectations, then we will be more lovable.  It just isn’t true.  Each of us only has a certain ability to really love others and it all depends with how much we love ourselves.  The more we take care of and love ourselves, then it increases our ability to love others.

Hurt people hurt others.

Loving people love others.

This goes for all of us.

It has nothing to do with how lovable we are.  We came to earth already 100% lovable by our Heavenly Father and our Savior.  I know how much they love us because our Brother died for each of us, with nothing for Himself to gain.

Heavenly Father loves you.  He loves your spouse.  He may not always love what we are doing, but He loves us.  He knows how to separate our actions from who we really are.  As humans, we tend to love others based on their actions.

We ALL just want to be loved.

To those who are silently suffering, you are 100% lovable.  Begin loving yourself to increase your own capacity to love.

We make our best decisions from love, not fear.

 

The One On: When Your LDS Spouse Is Still Coming To Church, But Doesn’t Believe Anymore.

pexels-photo-326612.jpeg

Have you ever sat in church doing the sideways glance?  You secretly are checking to see if your spouse is listening to the speaker or lesson, hoping they feel the Spirit.  Or maybe you are feeling very uncomfortable because you know how your spouse feels about the topic being discussed and afraid it will just fuel his fire.

Many spouses are still coming to church, even though they have said they no longer believe in it anymore.  Some still come for you or for your children because they don’t want to disappoint family members.  Some still come because it feels easier to come then completely walk away from something that has been a part of their life since they were born.  There are many different reasons.

Regardless of why they are still coming to church, I want to release you from any pressure that if you just say the perfect thing in the perfect moment, then he will come back.

In this moment, it is what it is.  Your husband’s perspective has shifted.  He is literally seeing and hearing things differently at church.  Although it would be amazing to just fix the situation, only the Spirit has the power to change hearts.  Love softens people’s hearts.  Love him where he is in this moment.  Accept what is.  The Lord will keep you in-tuned on your part.

Acceptance is not giving up, it is the first step in moving forward.

Your spouse needs to feel accepted in this moment to really figure out for himself why he doesn’t believe anymore.  If he feels guilt, shamed, or that he is disappointing you- he will be so consumed with worrying about that, instead of why his testimony has burned out.

Keep your eyes forward, don’t miss your own opportunity to feel the Spirit because you are so worried about him not feeling it.  No more putting pressure on yourself, release it.  Give it to Heavenly Father, He will know exactly how to take care of your spouse.

You learn how to love him today where he is at.  This is the bravest love there is.  

You are brave.

You can do this.

Be patient with yourself and with him.  This situation is not easy for both of you.

Just know, that everything will be okay.

Here are 3 questions to answer on paper to help you get started:

How do you want to think about yourself in this relationship?

How do you want to think about him in this relationship?

How do you want to define and think about your relationship together?

Learning to love your spouse where they are today, is what I teach in my Bravest Love program.  Let’s get started together: kendra@bravestlove.com