The One On The Difference Between Love and Unconditional Love.

file-8
Hawaii 2001, Me & My Boo

Here is the difference between Love and Unconditional Love.

Love uses the phrase: As long as…

I will love my daughter as long as she gets good grades.

I will truly listen to my husband as long as it isn’t scary to hear.

I will love my neighbor as long as they aren’t annoying or too different from me.

I will love my husband as long as he shows love to me.

I will help my child as long as they do it the way I think it should be done.

God will love me as long as I am always worthy.

As long as… are the conditions.

Unconditional Love uses the phrase: Even when…

I love my daughter even when she fails.

I will truly listen to my husband even when it is hard to hear.

I will love my neighbor even when they are annoying or very different.

I will love my husband even when he doesn’t show love to me.  I am the one who gets to feel the love anyway.

I will love myself even when someone is trying to break me down.

I will help my child even when I know a better way.

God will always love me even when I am not worthy.  He is bound too.

Dearest Matt,  I ‘even when’ love you.  Love, Kendra
Advertisements

The One On: Who Are You Going To Be When Your Spouse Leaves The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?

silhouette photography of boat on water during sunset
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

Who are you?  At your core, who are you?

Are you firm in who you are and what you believe?  Is your foundation solid?  Who have you tried to build your life to be like?

Is your foundation sandy?  Does it change with the times and what is trendy?  Does it crumble based on what others think?

Who do you want to be no matter what?

When the rain starts to come down, who are you?

If your foundation and who you are is based on our Savior Jesus Christ, then you will get wet, but won’t fall.

The rain could be your spouse telling you that he is leaving the church, a loved one getting cancer, divorce, abuse, addiction… who are you going to stand and be?

We decide ahead of time who we are and prepare ourselves against the storms of life.  Otherwise we will get washed away each time.

Feel and allow the rain to come, don’t fight against it.  But be someone who has faith, hope, and charity.  Always.  No matter the weather.

Helaman 5:12

If the storm feels too overpowering, we can do this together.  Sign-up for a complimentary session to help strengthen your foundation.  We may believe that when someone we love is having their foundation crumble, then ours might also.  It doesn’t have too.

https://CoachingwithKendraHuffman.as.me/ComplimentarySession

The One On 2 Ways To Help Your Husband When He Is Depressed.

clouds dark dark clouds darkness
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I remember being pregnant with my fourth child and feeling depressed.  I didn’t want to face the day, I just wanted to escape all my responsibilities, and I didn’t feel like myself.  Everyday felt like a battle.  It felt dark and lonely.  Some of your husbands may always battle with depression or something has happened and they got depressed.  Depression can be brought on by a major life change, trauma, or stress.

Living with someone who has become depressed can feel really challenging because you aren’t sure how to help them.  It can feel very draining on the relationship.  Depression affects a person’s mood.  It causes severe symptoms that affect how they feel, think, and handle daily activities.  Therefore, you aren’t ever sure of their mood and how to handle it.  Depression is a spiral of continual negative thoughts that someone feels buried under.  It is hard on both people in the marriage.

How do I love someone who is in a dark place where there isn’t much love being reciprocated?

Charity.

Our brains are literally designed and programmed to only take care of us.  Their job is to protect us and keep us safe.  It is all about us.  Charity is what pulls us out from that programming and actually makes it about someone else.  Charity is pure.  There is no agenda or anything in it for ourselves.  Charity gives without ever receiving or expecting to receive anything.  For most of us, service feels really good for us, which is why we like to do it.  It feels good for us to think about how our service is helping others.  This isn’t bad at all and actually keeps driving us to do more service.

However, Charity is 100% about the other person.  This is Christlike love.  This is how our Savior loves us, there is nothing in it for Him.  He just loves us purely.

I really struggle with Charity, because I am great about making things about me.  However, I will never forget when I literally fell on my knees and prayed to Heavenly Father how to love my husband the way he needed to be loved.  Not in how I knew how to love, but what he actually really needed.  It was the most pure prayer I have ever prayed for my husband in the 16 years of our marriage.  Usually I wanted to feel better and so I prayed for my husband to feel better.

The Lord answered me.  He answers our prayers, but especially when we have a pure heart.  For behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.  2 Nephi 32:3

Here are two ways to help your husband when he is feeling depressed:

#1:  Pray to know how you can love him without expecting anything in return.  Really wanting to know what your husband needs right now to feel love.  Because your spouse isn’t feeling much in his depressed state.  He could use your love.

#2:  Keep praying for him.  Let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.  Alma 34:27.  When you continually pray for your husband, it increases your own love for him and empathy.  And the Lord really does answer prayers.

Charity suffereth long.  This can feel so true when your spouse has been depressed for awhile.  It’s okay if you don’t always feel charitable.  The Lord understands.  But the more you practice and try, eventually: It beareth ALL things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Pray for this love.  It is the answer.

The answer I got that day has led me on a long journey to learn how to really love my husband the way he needed it.  It literally led me to Life Coaching and the tools of learning how to love unconditionally.  It changed me.  It changed my marriage.  It can change you.  Click the link below to get on a complimentary call so we can do this together:  https://CoachingwithKendraHuffman.as.me/ComplimentarySession

 

The One On: Acting Like a Teenager Doesn’t Help My Marriage.

file-8 (004)
Love my teenager.

I have my first teenager at home.  She is 13 and a great kid.  But she can cry, laugh, pout, and scream all within a 5 minute span of time.  Her hormones are taking over her brain.

I am the same way if I put my brain on auto-pilot.  It becomes a teenager.  It thinks everything is more dramatic, everything is out to get me, and the world is ending because of what someone did or said.

Deliberate thoughts are choices.

Deliberate thoughts take practice and repetition for our brains to believe them.

Deliberate thoughts create deliberate feelings.

When I allow my brain to be a teenager in my marriage- it quickly reacts to my husband’s behaviors, it quickly blames him for me feeling terrible, it quickly thinks that I should just leave.  It gets real dramatic.

When I choose to have deliberate thoughts about my husband, then I don’t react.  I process what is happening and choose how I want to feel about it.  Not because he will change, but because I am the only one who is feeling my feelings.  And I don’t like feeling out of control.

Choosing to think deliberate thoughts takes energy and work for our brains.  It would much rather be on auto-pilot, but it never gets us the results we want in our lives and relationships.  The work is always worth it.  I promise.

If I don’t react to my teenager and let her talk out what she is feeling, allow her to process the variety of emotions happening within 5 minutes, then she feels better.  I help her see that there are better ways to think about something if she wants too.  Sometimes she does, and sometimes she doesn’t.  That’s okay.  As long as she knows that no matter what anyone else says or does, she has the gift and power and agency from Heavenly Father to think about it how she wants.

We all do.

 

I help women learn how to have deliberate thoughts so that their lives don’t feel so out of control.  I love teenagers, but don’t need a teenager brain!  Learn more with a complimentary session:  

https://CoachingwithKendraHuffman.as.me/ComplimentarySession