The One On: How To Love Someone Who Feels Hard To Love.

In every relationship, you will need to love someone in an area where they don’t love themselves.

We all have weaknesses and insecurities, these are areas where we judge ourselves very harshly and end up judging others for it very harshly.  But if someone else doesn’t judge us for it, then we can start to heal and love ourselves more.

The gift of love and the gift of the Holy Ghost in our lives changes us more than any other thing.

How do we love someone else where they aren’t loving themselves?  Especially if we find it hard to love it about them as well.

One way is giving attention to the things that they are doing right that they are not noticing in themselves.  Most of us have negative beliefs about ourselves and we typically won’t believe someone else when they try to convince us of the opposite of that belief.  However, we can be shown a different perspective that can open us up to seeing ourselves differently, which allows love to enter the cracks.  Here is an example:

I had a belief growing up and even up until very recently that I am a selfish person.  I judged myself harshly for it and ended up judging my oldest daughter when I believed she was being selfish.  I pointed it out to her and wanted her to change, because it was something I didn’t like about myself.  I always thought I was selfish, but I couldn’t see the connection in why I was treating and judging others so harshly for it.  It was because I hated it about myself.

Since I had a belief that I was selfish, then every time someone said I was thoughtful or giving- I just played it down or told them all the ways I wasn’t.  I really wouldn’t believe them or receive the compliment.  But, when my hubby or one of my kids would point out to me a time when I was giving or thoughtful- it helped me see something that my brain wasn’t looking for.  My mind was only looking for the times when I was selfish since that was my belief.  It was in those times that my family or a friend would point it out, that it started to crack that belief about myself.  If my husband just said to me, you are not selfish- I may argue with him and give him all the evidence I had accumulated to prove to him that I really was.  But when he would point out something I did that was unselfish, then it opened me up to seeing something new about myself and questioning my old belief.

Start paying attention to the things that your loved one is doing right that they aren’t seeing in themselves.  Acknowledge the good in them where they believe they aren’t good or worthy.  Make sure it is genuine and true.  Don’t try and build up someone when you don’t even believe it yourself.  If you aren’t sure what negative things your spouse or child is believing about themselves, you can ask them what they worry others are thinking about them.  This will give you a clue into where they feel insecure and not whole.

Remember, just like I was negatively reacting to my daughter, your loved ones may be taking out their own negative beliefs about themselves onto you.  Learning to love them where they judge themselves can benefit everyone in the relationship.

Sometimes the hardest person to love is us.  We all want to be loved.  We all want to feel whole.  Love others where they don’t love themselves.  Love yourself where you believe others don’t love you.  The Savior loves every part of you and can see where you need to be loved, let Him fill you up.

Do you find it hard at times to really love your spouse or child?  It feels impossible and you just want to avoid it.  If you find yourself not wanting to deal with it or aren’t sure even where to start, I can help you learn to love someone else where they need it so that everyone is benefiting in the relationship.  Click here for a free consult call.  Free. Simple. You get help right away.

The One On How To Heal Wounds In Your Marriage.

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A little less than a year ago I brushed my arm against a hot cookie sheet.  It only took that split second to leave a painful burn mark.  It felt raw, exposed, and terribly sensitive.  I just immediately put on some medicine and covered it with a band-aid.  The thought of anything touching it or brushing up against it made me shiver.  After a few days of  changing a daily band-aid on it, I noticed that it was starting to look infected.  My skin was raised and it felt hot to touch.  I knew that what it really needed was to air out and scab over to really heal.  I didn’t want to leave it open for something to rub against it or accidentally touch it, but it was the only way for it to get better.

Being vulnerable in relationships is like the burn on my arm.  When you decide to really be open and share your real feelings and thoughts, it can cause you to feel nervous, exposed, and raw.  At any moment something could rush in and hurt you, like my wound.  It sounds so much better to just protect it with a band-aid and cover up the pain.  To not let anyone or anything in where you feel hurt.  The problem is, the wound can’t heal when it is covered up.

Brene Brown defines vulnerability as: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  I don’t think many of us are jumping at the opportunity to feel uncertain about how someone else is going to respond when we really share how we feel.  Being vulnerable to your spouse is taking off the band-aid and showing our real pain to them.

Many of us are living in Band-aid marriages.

We are playing it safe.  Not exposing ourselves too much, not letting things really air out.

The problem is, our wounds never really heal and it ends up in disconnection.  When there is a band-aid covering up my pain, I don’t have to think about it as much or have to really look at it.

Here is what vulnerability really looks like in a marriage: Waking up everyday and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow: that’s vulnerability.  Brene Brown.

So many of you are craving connection in your marriage.  To be seen.  To be heard.  To feel loved.  It starts with ripping off the band-aid and showing where you hurt.  Letting all parts of you being open, honest, and real.  The other person may not be ready to see your wounds, they may not even have the ability to change the way you wish they would, they may scream for you to put the band-aid back on because they are too uncomfortable seeing it…

Have courage in those moments and still choose to be open.  It is the only way to really heal and build connection.  You may shake in the moment to speak your truth, like the anticipation of ripping of a real band-aid.  However, eventually there will come a confidence and peace for finally being aligned with who you really are.  The result of it may not always look pretty, just like a scab.  Scabs are rough, dark, and can still peel off.  But it is your body telling you that it is taking care of itself.  Eventually the pain will go away.  Be patient with the process of learning to share things.  In the end, you will be healed.

Your spouse may not be ready to be vulnerable with you.  You go first and lead the way.  It is never about them anyway.  It is about being true to you.

*Vulnerability is at the core, the center, of meaningful human experiences.  Brene Brown

*What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Brene Brown

*Vulnerability is the essence of connection and connection is the essence of existence.  Leo Christopher

*To be vulnerable is to be Brave.  Chrissie Dinney 

Need help ripping off your band-aids?  Aren’t sure if you are brave enough to really be open about your feelings in your marriage?  Been burned before by your spouse when you have tried?  Let me help you heal.  The first step is getting on a call with me and sharing where you hurt, I will take it from there.  I’ve got you.  To get more connection in your marriage, click here.

The One On How To Set A Loving Boundary In Your Marriage.

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What is a loving boundary?  A loving boundary is a request you make to your spouse to change a certain behavior that crosses a personal line for you.  There is a consequence of something YOU will do if they violate the boundary.

Here is an example:  If you continue to yell at me or put me down, then I will leave the house.

Is is not:  Take out the trash or you won’t get dinner for a week.  (That is an ultimatum, not a loving boundary)

The other person does not have to understand or agree with your boundary, and you should be prepared for that.  When you set a boundary out of love for yourself AND the other person, you can tell the person your truth without you yelling or attacking them.

If you are feeling angry, frustrated, or mad- you don’t want to set the boundary while feeling these things.  You will want to write out your feelings and get to a calm and more peaceful place.

Loving boundaries can create more intimacy in relationships rather than putting up walls to keep people out.  We don’t need to just eliminate people from our lives or continue to harbor so much resentment- we just need to tell them our loving truth and set a boundary.  Something you will do if they choose not to follow your request.

Setting boundaries is about telling the truth to ourselves and to the people in our lives.  It is asking for a change in behavior that you feel crosses your personal line of what you are okay with.  This isn’t about trying to control or manipulate our spouse so we can get our way.

Here are some questions to help you get started:

*What is the boundary violation?

*What is the boundary I want to set?

*The Request:  If you….

*The Consequence: Then I will…

*What are your fears around establishing this boundary?

*What will the benefits of establishing this boundary be?

*How will I make sure I honor my boundary?

Need help setting a boundary?  Let’s get on a call so I can help you get started.  It’s free, safe, and there is no pressure.  Click here for a Complimentary Session.

The One On: Marriage Doesn’t Have To Be Complicated.

Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated.

Stop fighting to make it easier, just make it more simple.

Face a problem in your marriage head on.

Don’t avoid it, go around it, or brush it under the rug.

Those problems linger and fester and grow.  They become ammunition for future problems.  Because they were never dealt with.

Face it with courage, love, and openness to understand.

Speak your truth with kindness and respect.

Watch what you make your spouse’s reaction mean.  It may mean nothing about you.  You don’t know unless you ask and talk about it.

If they don’t want to talk, you still share how you feel because you are choosing to deal with it head on.

People who are becoming more loving in their marriage experience the same uncertainties we all do.  They just stop letting fear call the shots.

Be brave.  Be kind.  Be Loving.  But Be You.

I offer a 30 minute Complimentary Coaching Session.  Let’s get on a call and chat so you don’t have to face hard things in your marriage alone.