In every relationship, you will need to love someone in an area where they don’t love themselves.
We all have weaknesses and insecurities, these are areas where we judge ourselves very harshly and end up judging others for it very harshly. But if someone else doesn’t judge us for it, then we can start to heal and love ourselves more.
The gift of love and the gift of the Holy Ghost in our lives changes us more than any other thing.
How do we love someone else where they aren’t loving themselves? Especially if we find it hard to love it about them as well.
One way is giving attention to the things that they are doing right that they are not noticing in themselves. Most of us have negative beliefs about ourselves and we typically won’t believe someone else when they try to convince us of the opposite of that belief. However, we can be shown a different perspective that can open us up to seeing ourselves differently, which allows love to enter the cracks. Here is an example:
I had a belief growing up and even up until very recently that I am a selfish person. I judged myself harshly for it and ended up judging my oldest daughter when I believed she was being selfish. I pointed it out to her and wanted her to change, because it was something I didn’t like about myself. I always thought I was selfish, but I couldn’t see the connection in why I was treating and judging others so harshly for it. It was because I hated it about myself.
Since I had a belief that I was selfish, then every time someone said I was thoughtful or giving- I just played it down or told them all the ways I wasn’t. I really wouldn’t believe them or receive the compliment. But, when my hubby or one of my kids would point out to me a time when I was giving or thoughtful- it helped me see something that my brain wasn’t looking for. My mind was only looking for the times when I was selfish since that was my belief. It was in those times that my family or a friend would point it out, that it started to crack that belief about myself. If my husband just said to me, you are not selfish- I may argue with him and give him all the evidence I had accumulated to prove to him that I really was. But when he would point out something I did that was unselfish, then it opened me up to seeing something new about myself and questioning my old belief.
Start paying attention to the things that your loved one is doing right that they aren’t seeing in themselves. Acknowledge the good in them where they believe they aren’t good or worthy. Make sure it is genuine and true. Don’t try and build up someone when you don’t even believe it yourself. If you aren’t sure what negative things your spouse or child is believing about themselves, you can ask them what they worry others are thinking about them. This will give you a clue into where they feel insecure and not whole.
Remember, just like I was negatively reacting to my daughter, your loved ones may be taking out their own negative beliefs about themselves onto you. Learning to love them where they judge themselves can benefit everyone in the relationship.
Sometimes the hardest person to love is us. We all want to be loved. We all want to feel whole. Love others where they don’t love themselves. Love yourself where you believe others don’t love you. The Savior loves every part of you and can see where you need to be loved, let Him fill you up.
Do you find it hard at times to really love your spouse or child? It feels impossible and you just want to avoid it. If you find yourself not wanting to deal with it or aren’t sure even where to start, I can help you learn to love someone else where they need it so that everyone is benefiting in the relationship. Click here for a free consult call. Free. Simple. You get help right away.