Part 1: How To Talk About The Church in a Mixed-Faith Marriage.

woman wearing white high top shoes
Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.com

I am going to break down into 3 different posts how to still talk about your thoughts and feelings about the Church in a marriage when someone has left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Part 1: Anticipation of the conversation.

I hate needles.  I hate getting shots and even watching my kids get shots.  The anticipation of getting the shot causes my body to get tense, my heart to race, my palms to get sweaty, and I just want to run away.  However, you can’t have four babies without getting some blood drawn…a lot!

As soon as I actually get the shot, it pricks and hurts for a second, then it is over.  I literally tell myself every time- Oh, that wasn’t too bad.  Every. Time.

Anticipation in many cases can feel way more intense than the actual event.  Anticipating a vacation can be almost more exciting than the actual vacation.  Anticipating the shot can be way worse than the actual shot.

When we are anticipating something, our mind is swirling with thoughts on how we think it will go or want it to go.  Because it doesn’t really know how it will all turn out- the mind can go in many directions of what it believes will happen.  It can almost be comical where our mind will take us in a worst case scenario.  It doesn’t feel funny in the moment because it feels paralyzing and scary, but later you can see how that thought was completely unrealistic.

Many of my clients in their marriages are avoiding talking about the Church because of the anticipation of what their spouse may say or react.  It feels intense in their minds and they come up with how terrible it will go or they will go back and reference their past experiences to determine the outcome.

Let anticipation work for you and not against you.

The first time I got a shot was the worst.  If there wasn’t a human growing in my belly- I would have definitely backed out.  I made myself almost sick the night before knowing the next day I had to get a shot.  However, each time got a little bit easier.  I calmed my mind down and started telling myself that it only lasts a second, it isn’t as bad as I think, and it is necessary to have a healthy baby.  These thoughts helped calm me down and the anticipation didn’t feel as intense.

As you go into these conversations, calm your mind down.  Remind yourself on why talking about the Church and sharing your true feelings can keep you connected in your marriage.  How it can help your family and children still feel unified and close even among all the changes.  Think about your own reasons that help you calm down and to understand that these things are important to discuss.

Marriage’s deepest foundation is love, next is communication.  When communication isn’t solid, then everything can crumble.  Learning to talk openly with each other starts with just one brick at a time and not letting the anticipation stop you from building.

Next week in Part 2 we will dive more into having the conversation.

**If the anticipation feels too intense and you need help with some thoughts to calm down, jump on a call and I can help you.  Click here for help.

Advertisements

The One On: What Is True Agency In A Relationship?

mountains nature arrow guide
Photo by Jens Johnsson on Pexels.com

Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. 2 Nephi 2:16

Agency has always existed even in the Pre-Mortal life.

Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and act for ourselves.  Without it we would not be able to learn, progress, or follow the Savior.

Some of us aren’t using it very well.  And I don’t just mean in making poor choices.  I mean in how we are reacting to our lives and relationships.

Agency at its best is when acceptance has come first.

When we fight against how our life is looking, how other people are behaving, how we think everything should or shouldn’t be going… then our agency is used to only react.  We say and do things we wouldn’t normally want to do.  We don’t choose what is best in that moment for ourselves or others.

When we can pause and accept what is happening in the moment, then we can decide how we want to think, act, or feel about it.  This is our true agency.

God knew many of us would have to endure many different kinds of circumstances, but He gave us our agency to think about our circumstances however we want.  This determines how we feel about them.  Otherwise we are at the mercy of our circumstances and other people to decide how we feel- and that goes against agency.

There is no agency is trying to control or change someone else.  It is why we all fight hard against wanting to be controlled.  We are happier doing things when we have made our own choices.  Instead of trying to control another person we can put in requests or we can set boundaries for ourselves, not for them.  This starts first with acceptance that we cannot control another adult.

For example, someone says something to you.  It feels hurtful to you.  You may want to react back and try to say something that feels hurtful to them or you get really defensive.  Instead, you can pause and accept that they said words to you.  How do you want to feel about what they said?  What are you making it mean about yourself?  Is it even true?  Don’t waste your time arguing that they said something to you, it happened.  Period.  Now decide how you want to think about it and what you want to do about it.  You have so many options at this point to think about it however you want.  Depending on what you choose will determine how you respond to it.  What would love choose?

This is agency at its best.

Accepting things can feel very challenging, especially when it comes to other people.  However, it is the difference in feeling like you are just putting out fires all the time and treading water in your life, to actually creating the life you really want that feels way more peaceful.  Click here to learn more.

 

 

The One On: Why It Feels Conflicting To Be Ourselves.

IMG_2662

Did you know that you can feel two completely different feelings at the same time?  How is that possible?  For example, how can you feel both peaceful and sad about something?

I had a client reach out to me and tell me about how she went to tithing settlement alone because her husband doesn’t have a testimony of tithing.  She still wants to pay and he doesn’t so they have worked out a compromise.  It was her first time going alone and being very open with the Bishop.  The Bishop was kind and understanding about it.  Here is what she said about it: I’m not sure yet how I feel about it.  Free in some ways and nervous in some ways.

When you start to align yourself with who you really are and how you actually really feel about something- there is a sense of peace and freedom that comes.  You are exactly who you are in that moment and it is freeing.  However, it is like the band-aid that got ripped off and now your wound is exposed.  Everyone can see you now.  We are very afraid that someone will see us differently and judge us for it- which feels like the pain of someone scratching our wound.  It is extremely uncomfortable and scary.

When you start to slowly show more people who you really are: a human like everyone else that gets hurt, that wants to hide the non-perfections about ourselves, just desperately doesn’t want to be judged- this is when you will start to heal yourself.  One band-aid rip at a time because we are always meant to just be ourselves.

When you are feeling two opposite feelings at the same time like peace and pain, it is because you are in the healing phase, which can take time.  The more you keep the wound open, the faster it will air out and start to heal over.  Connection will start to happen in your life.  Covering up who we really are keeps us silently suffering and disconnected from others.  We don’t have the confidence in ourselves and so we play it safe hoping to get it from others.  It is exhausting and we stay hidden.

Integrity is choosing courage over comfort. –Brene Brown

I am so proud of the courage my client had.  This was a huge step for her to go to that meeting alone and really share how she felt.  She then had the courage to tell her husband what happened- another band-aid rip.  Don’t let being uncomfortable or feeling exposed tell you that you shouldn’t be yourself.  My client is now on the path of aligning herself to who she really is which will grow and change her in ways she can’t imagine.

Heavenly Father made you and wants you to love his creation.  He doesn’t want us to cover ourselves in band-aids to appear to be perfect and all together- He wants us to grow, evolve, and learn to only trust His love for us.  It is perfect.  The more we release ourselves from what others think about us, the more peace and freedom we will bring into our lives- even if it feels uncomfortable at first.  You are healing my friend.

If you need help learning how to rip off the band-aids, click here to get a on a free call together.