The Secret to Lasting Change in your Marriage.

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Think about something small consistently done over time.  The compounding effect it would have.  Good or bad.

What if you worked out everyday consistently for an entire year?  What would happen to your body?  Would you see results the first day?  The first week?  The first month?  Would it be inevitable that you saw results?

Think about your marriage.  What if you started to do something small or stopped doing something small consistently- what would happen over time?  Would anyone notice right away?  In a week?  In a month?

For example:

What would happen if you looked for one thing your husband did that day that you were grateful for and told him?  Everyday.

What would happen over time if you listened to your spouse to understand him, before trying to be understood?

What if you gave him the same kind of attention that you give your kids?

These are only a few example, but think to yourself and your specific situation:    What one thing could you do (you aren’t doing now) that if you did on a regular basis, would make a huge positive difference in your marriage?

Whatever small thing you decide, will make a difference for YOU.  It will make you a better person as you try each day to make a small change.

Do not underestimate the power of something that is compounded over time.  We all like to see instant results, which is why so many of us quit something right before we start to see the impact it could have in our lives.  However, learning to see the big picture and how our actions impact us over time, makes all the difference.

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. -Goethe

You are in your marriage for the long run.  Do the things that will have a lasting impact.  Sometimes these are just the small and simple things added up over time.

Did you know that you can get a free session with me?  Click Here to schedule a time to chat if you are ready to make some real, lasting positive changes in your marriage.

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The One On: What You Should be Paying Attention to in your Marriage.

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These shorts will definitely get your attention.

Whatever you give attention to: grows.

There is positive attention and negative attention.  Both will make something grow.

You will be able to tell what you are giving attention to by the way you spend your time and what you are constantly thinking about.

If I pay attention to all the things my husband isn’t doing, then my resentment, frustration, and disconnection grows for him.  If I’m paying attention to the things he is already doing right, noticing the small ways he is trying, and give him attention for those things, then my love, patience, and connection grows for him.

If I spend hours on social media and pay attention to the need for likes, approval, and constantly comparing, although I am paying attention to myself, it is in a negative way and results in me not feeling good about myself.  My insecurities, self-doubt, and judgement of others grows.  If I pay attention to my own strengths without needing others to see it, meet my own needs, and allow others and God to love me the way I am today, then I am paying attention to myself that grows a deep love and respect for myself.

If I believe my child’s behavior is a reflection of me as a mother, then I will pay attention to all their shortcomings, failures, and annoying behaviors.  My need to fix them grows and so does my disconnection.  If I take myself out of it and see my child for who they are and who they are trying to be, pay attention to all the small details that I love about them, pay attention to them when they are telling me something, and just love them for who they are today- then a deep love grows for them and my need to control slowly starts to die.

We are asked to read the scriptures and pray often because when we do, it puts our attention on learning about the Savior, our relationship to Him, and what we need to be doing in our own lives.  This grows our love for Him and grows our testimonies.

There are always positive things and negative things to every situation, which one are you going to give attention to?

I suggest you pay positive attention to the things that matter in your life.  It will grow.  Pay attention to the things you love and your love will grow.

Can’t stop feeling negative about someone?  Get on a 30 minute call with me so I can show you how.  Click Here to chat with me.

 

Part 3: How to Talk about the Church in a Mixed-Faith Marriage.

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Are you finding it challenging to discuss Church things in your marriage now that you aren’t on the same page?  Because these beliefs run deep, then it needs to be something that is discussed openly and honestly.  This takes courage.  The last two posts have discussed before the conversation, during the conversation, and now we end with after the conversation.

Part 3: After the Conversation

You did it.  You were brave and said how you were feeling.  Maybe you shared the things that worry you, the things that have felt hard to compromise or give up, or the things you still want to see in the home.  There can be a deep sense of peace that can come when you are being your true self with your spouse, even if what you are sharing feels very scary to say.  You could have built a lot of courage to actually have the conversation and felt it when you were talking, but right afterwards there can be a flood of thoughts that may cause you to feel worried, regretful, or raw.

After you have the conversation it is important to evaluate how you did during it.  This matters because you can start to spin in their reactions or worry about how the things you said will affect them, which creates a story in your mind that may not be true about how it went.  This can lead you to avoid these conversations in the future.

Here are two questions to ask yourself after the conversation that you will want to write down.  (You can get many insights and strength through actual writing).

#1: What went right?  Begin writing all the big and very small things that went right with the conversation.  Some of these could be: I showed up and didn’t hide, I went in calmly, I really listened to his opinion, I didn’t get defensive etc.  Even the smallest of details that went right count- look for them.  You will be surprised at how many things you actually did well at.

#2: What could I improve on for next time?  You want this evaluation step to only be about you.  Evaluate what things you would improve on from the conversation.  This could be any aspect of it- this could be in you anticipating it, deciding beforehand how you want to feel during it etc.  This isn’t to find reasons to beat yourself up or feel terrible, this is only information for you to use to do better next time.  We are learners- rarely do we ever get something completely right.

Lastly, be proud of yourself for taking this huge step for you and for your marriage.  This is the path to true peace and love.  You will still feel some uncertainty moving forward, but the more open your communication is with your spouse, then you will be able to figure out things together as they come.

A marriage is made up of many conversations, so keep them real and from your heart.  Peace comes from really allowing your spouse to be themselves and learning to love them where they are at in this moment.  Heavenly Father wants to help you honor others agency and for you to keep working on yourself.  If your spouse isn’t showing you the same respect and not honoring how you feel, then as you keep working on yourself, you will have your own back and will make decisions for yourself from a loving space.

Need help with these conversations?  Click Here to learn more.

 

 

Part 2: How to Talk about the Church in a Mixed-Faith Marriage.

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Last post I discussed anticipation and how that can sometimes feel way more intense than the actual event.  You really want to get in a calm place before you have a discussion about Church beliefs and opinions.

Part 2: Having the Conversation

There are three ways to really show up as yourself during a conversation about the Church when your spouse now has different opinions, which may be very strong.

#1- Do not “mirror” your husband’s emotions or reactions.  You may be coming to the conversation very calm and loving, but he may not.  He may be very defensive, angry, or passionate when he is sharing his thoughts and feelings.  Just because he acts and responds that way, it doesn’t mean you have to.  You don’t need to “mirror” him.  If he is angry, you don’t need to be angry that he is angry.  If he gets upset, you don’t need to feel upset that he is upset.  Keep reminding yourself how you want to feel while having this conversation, regardless of his reaction.  This is staying true to you.

#2- Connection comes from being vulnerable, real, and authentic.  It isn’t holding back your true feelings or only saying what you think the other person wants to hear.  You have to have real integrity with yourself and be brave in sharing your true feelings.  These aren’t meant to hurt anyone or cause anyone to feel guilty.  It is meant for you to get out how you feel so that you aren’t burying your feelings and building resentment.  Or making up things in your mind because you don’t have the courage to really hear what they have to say.  Connection is what everyone is really after in their marriage and it only happens through sharing true feelings.  Otherwise we are trying to connect with someone who isn’t really them.

#3- Listen.  Listen hard.  Many times we are afraid to hear their point of view because it may influence us or our children.  It may just be super hard to hear where they are at and how it got this far.  Not listening or not really dealing with it is what will cause true disconnection, not your differences.  You will have to have many conversations about how you want to do things in the home, with the kids, etc.  Listening is the first step to truly understanding- and from understanding, then change can come.

I just want to offer that it can all be okay.  Discussing the Church can feel very black and white, right or wrong, but when it comes to relationships they are way more messy than that.  It is about love and connection.  At the end of the day, all you really can say is that you tried your best, and the other person is the only one who can truly say that for themselves.  That is all the Lord asks from us.

If you understand these concepts, but have no idea how to actually apply them, then get on a call with me and I can explain more on how I help my clients with this.  Click Here to schedule a time to learn more.