Are you finding it challenging to discuss Church things in your marriage now that you aren’t on the same page? Because these beliefs run deep, then it needs to be something that is discussed openly and honestly. This takes courage. The last two posts have discussed before the conversation, during the conversation, and now we end with after the conversation.
Part 3: After the Conversation
You did it. You were brave and said how you were feeling. Maybe you shared the things that worry you, the things that have felt hard to compromise or give up, or the things you still want to see in the home. There can be a deep sense of peace that can come when you are being your true self with your spouse, even if what you are sharing feels very scary to say. You could have built a lot of courage to actually have the conversation and felt it when you were talking, but right afterwards there can be a flood of thoughts that may cause you to feel worried, regretful, or raw.
After you have the conversation it is important to evaluate how you did during it. This matters because you can start to spin in their reactions or worry about how the things you said will affect them, which creates a story in your mind that may not be true about how it went. This can lead you to avoid these conversations in the future.
Here are two questions to ask yourself after the conversation that you will want to write down. (You can get many insights and strength through actual writing).
#1: What went right? Begin writing all the big and very small things that went right with the conversation. Some of these could be: I showed up and didn’t hide, I went in calmly, I really listened to his opinion, I didn’t get defensive etc. Even the smallest of details that went right count- look for them. You will be surprised at how many things you actually did well at.
#2: What could I improve on for next time? You want this evaluation step to only be about you. Evaluate what things you would improve on from the conversation. This could be any aspect of it- this could be in you anticipating it, deciding beforehand how you want to feel during it etc. This isn’t to find reasons to beat yourself up or feel terrible, this is only information for you to use to do better next time. We are learners- rarely do we ever get something completely right.
Lastly, be proud of yourself for taking this huge step for you and for your marriage. This is the path to true peace and love. You will still feel some uncertainty moving forward, but the more open your communication is with your spouse, then you will be able to figure out things together as they come.
A marriage is made up of many conversations, so keep them real and from your heart. Peace comes from really allowing your spouse to be themselves and learning to love them where they are at in this moment. Heavenly Father wants to help you honor others agency and for you to keep working on yourself. If your spouse isn’t showing you the same respect and not honoring how you feel, then as you keep working on yourself, you will have your own back and will make decisions for yourself from a loving space.
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