The One On: Feeling Judged By Others For Your Spouse Leaving The Church?

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“Often incorrect judgments are made because of limited information or because we do not see beyond that which is immediately in front of us.”  -Elder Gregory A. Schwitzer

Everyday we are making judgments.  It is a part of our agency, meant to help us return to our Heavenly Father.

However, most of us are judging others that isn’t used in a way that serves us.

And we have all felt judged and misunderstood by another person.  It feels terrible.

Hiding becomes our answer to avoid judgement.

*We hide our true feelings or thoughts from others because we are afraid of how they will respond, especially if it is with anger.

*We hide our struggles and questions we have about our faith because we are afraid our spouse might leave us.

*We hide who we really are at church because we don’t want to feel judged or talked about by other members.

Anytime we hide our true selves, it is because we are afraid of being judged.

The problem with hiding, is that we slowly lose ourselves and aren’t really living our best lives.  We aren’t experiencing our fullest potential in life and in our relationships.  We are missing out on real connection, from hiding behind someone we aren’t.

The most beautiful and whole relationship, is one where each person is free to be themselves and know they are still loved.

Many of you who have a spouse that has left the Church, worry about the judgments of your family and friends.  You feel anxious about your spouse really sharing their new beliefs with them and everyone judging you and him for it.  None of us like to feel judged, it seems easier to hide.

Although it seems easier, it always comes with a price.  We start to resent others where we can’t really be ourselves.  Or we continue to hide more and more of ourselves and end up distancing from the relationship or environment.  It feels easier in the moment, but really it puts you in a constant state of worry.

For me, it is like when I use to play hide and go seek growing up.  The little bit of fear I felt waiting to be found, not knowing when they would find me… it didn’t make me feel safe, it only made me worried.  There was some relief when I was finally found.  There is relief that can come when you are finally found out and think- This is Me.  This is Us.  This is Him.

There is this peaceful place where you start to realize that your opinion is the only one that truly matters.  You choose your spouse feeling like himself over the judgments of others.  It can feel very uncomfortable in the moment, but on the other side is peace from not hiding anymore.

How do you learn to not worry as much about the opinions of your family and friends judging your spouse for leaving?

It begins first with you giving space to your husband to be himself.  So he doesn’t have to hide what he really believes and is feeling.  This takes time, love, a lot of patience, and even some outside help.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything, but you are trying to understand and allow him to come into the light to be seen.

Once you and your husband work through the many issues that come when there are two different beliefs in the home, then you can start working on the people outside of your relationship.  Most people are judging others by only what can be seen on the outside.  They may or may not understand your marriage or spouse, and that is okay.

I give you permission to never have to explain yourself to anyone.  Those who truly want to understand, will take the time to.  Otherwise there will always be judgment, but my hope is that you will be brave enough to stop hiding from it and stand in who you really are.

Need help with hearing your husband’s new beliefs and perspectives now that he has left?  Let me help you feel less worried about everything and begin to feel some peace in your situation.  Click Here to set up a free call to learn more.

The One On: Are You Playing It “Safe” In Your Marriage?

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When my kids think of fears, they think of spiders, dark rooms, and Slappy from Goosebumps.  But as humans, some of our deepest fears are really the fear of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable.

We don’t always know we are consciously afraid of these things, therefore most of us are playing it “safe” in our marriages.

I call it Safe-Love.

Safe-Love is when you don’t allow yourself to be completely open (vulnerable) with your spouse because you don’t want to feel as hurt if they were ever to abandon you, not love you anymore, or see you as unworthy.

It feels safe and protective to not take things too deep and to just deal with the typical things that couples argue about.  But really it just puts a wedge in your marriage and you end up complaining and sabotaging your relationship about surface level problems.

Here is an example.

I had a good friend whose Father cheated on her Mom as a child.  He eventually left the family to be with the other woman.  My friend started to believe that men cheat on women.  She would see all the evidence that kept proving that true to her: she saw it in movies, with other friends, and in books she read.  In College, her boyfriend ended up cheating on her.  This really solidified her belief.  It didn’t matter how many men she personally knew that didn’t cheat, she could only see the ones who did.

My friend got married to a wonderful man.  He never gave her a reason for her to worry.  However, she still carried this very deep fear of being abandoned.  She began to play it “safe” in her marriage.  She never really opened her whole self up to her husband in case he ever cheated on her.  My friend didn’t worry everyday if he was cheating on her, but she had thoughts that if she was the perfect wife and was agreeable, he would never cheat on her.  This fear drove so many of her behaviors that weren’t even really her.  She would begin to find little things that bothered her about her husband and would complain to friends or her Mom.  It felt “safe” to find things wrong, in case he ever did leave her.

It wasn’t until my friend was able to discover this very deep fear (through coaching), that she was able to let go of it.  She could see over the years of her marriage how it had caused a disconnection with her husband because she never really allowed herself to trust him.  She had to keep herself “safe”.

Safe-Love keeps us from really being ourselves and sharing how we really feel with our spouse.  But it takes this kind of vulnerability to build a real connection in your marriage.  You are all in.  You face every issue, big or small, as they come and learn to love yourself and your spouse deeply.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement.  Trust isn’t a grand gesture- it’s putting in one marble at at time and growing a marble collection.  -Brene Brown

It is a huge risk to love another human being.  None of us are perfect, we all have fears, and we will hurt others.  Until we become aware of the fears that are blocking us in our lives, then we will be afraid to truly connect with another human being.

I use to wonder if it was worth it to face these fears?  Could I handle the pain if my relationship didn’t work out?  I realized for myself and told my friend, that we will never regret going all in on ourselves and in our relationships.

To love is to risk it all, but it is worth it.  Whether you end up together or not, you will have stayed in integrity with yourself and truly loved another person.

Love feels the best.  We are the closest to being like our Savior when we are feeling love.  He risked it all for us.  He is all in with us… because of love.

Are you all in?

No more Safe-Love.  Let me help you with the walls that feel protective, but have kept others out.  Click Here to get your free call to learn more.

The One On: How To Build Trust In A Mixed-Faith Marriage.

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I want you to imagine two buckets.  One says: Capable, and the other says: Not Capable.  Each day we are filling up these buckets.  When we fill up our “Capable” Bucket, then self-confidence and self-trust overflows inside of us.  When we fill up our “Not Capable” Bucket, then self-doubt and insecurities take over.

How do we know which bucket we are filling up more?

You will know by how much you trust yourself.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone (you) or something.

Here are some questions to assess your level of self-trust that I created, some are from my BFF Brene Brown:

*Do I respect my own boundaries?  Am I clear about what is okay and what is not okay?

*Am I reliable?  Do I do what I say I am going to do?  Even if it is just to myself.

*Do I hold myself accountable?  Do I take responsibility for my life?

*Do I respect the privacy of others?  Can they trust me?

*Do I act from my integrity? (Choosing to practice my values rather than simply professing them).

*Do I ask for what I need?  Do I judge myself about needing help?

*Am I kind and generous towards myself?

*Do I have my own back?  Can I trust that I will support myself through every failure?

Self-trust is vital in relationships.  If you don’t trust yourself, then you will find it hard to trust others and you will live in a constant state of disappointment.  Here is how it works:

When we don’t trust ourselves and keep filling up the “Not Capable” Bucket, then we rely on others to help us get what we need.  So we set up expectations that very few people can ever meet because it is what we need, not them.  When our expectations aren’t met, then we blame the other person, become resentful, and live in disappointment.  This fills up our bucket with lies saying that we can’t do it on our own, we aren’t capable, and then we become even more needy of others… and the cycle continues.

When I started my business, all the technology overwhelmed me.  I kept asking my husband to just do it for me.  He is way better on computers and could figure it out in half the time I could.  But my husband is busy with his own work and I didn’t like having to wait.  I just expected him to drop everything and help me!  But, because he didn’t, I had to learn all the technology myself.  I figured out my own programs and systems.  I had to ask for help from Google and through the help options with the different programs I was using.  In the end, I felt so empowered and confident figuring it all out myself.  It sent huge deposits into my “Capable” bucket.  I would of never known I was capable if I wasn’t willing to just try and figure it out myself.  I still asked for help, but it was me taking the initiative.  I had to remind myself that this was my business and I shouldn’t be putting this on someone else because of my own fears, then blaming them when they say no.

The more trust you have in yourself, the better partner you become in a relationship.  You learn to take care of your own needs and learn to rely on yourself to make it happen.  You set the other person free from your constant disappointment.  When you trust yourself and learn to do hard things, then you earn your self-confidence.  You are the only person who can fill your own bucket.

A mixed-faith marriage opens the door for many opportunities to see what you really are capable of on your own.  You will have to figure many things out and stand alone in some of your beliefs.  There are many times when we just want someone else to do things for us or be something else for us, but that only adds to our “Not Capable” bucket.  However, I know you are a capable of so much and can set your marriage free from so much disappointment and resentment.

You’ve got this, Who better than you?

If you need help getting started with learning to really trust yourself to build your self-confidence, then sign-up here for your free consultation call.  Let’s chat and see where you want to go in your life and in your marriage.  (I only have a few spots left open)