The One On: How To Build Trust In A Mixed-Faith Marriage.

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I want you to imagine two buckets.  One says: Capable, and the other says: Not Capable.  Each day we are filling up these buckets.  When we fill up our “Capable” Bucket, then self-confidence and self-trust overflows inside of us.  When we fill up our “Not Capable” Bucket, then self-doubt and insecurities take over.

How do we know which bucket we are filling up more?

You will know by how much you trust yourself.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone (you) or something.

Here are some questions to assess your level of self-trust that I created, some are from my BFF Brene Brown:

*Do I respect my own boundaries?  Am I clear about what is okay and what is not okay?

*Am I reliable?  Do I do what I say I am going to do?  Even if it is just to myself.

*Do I hold myself accountable?  Do I take responsibility for my life?

*Do I respect the privacy of others?  Can they trust me?

*Do I act from my integrity? (Choosing to practice my values rather than simply professing them).

*Do I ask for what I need?  Do I judge myself about needing help?

*Am I kind and generous towards myself?

*Do I have my own back?  Can I trust that I will support myself through every failure?

Self-trust is vital in relationships.  If you don’t trust yourself, then you will find it hard to trust others and you will live in a constant state of disappointment.  Here is how it works:

When we don’t trust ourselves and keep filling up the “Not Capable” Bucket, then we rely on others to help us get what we need.  So we set up expectations that very few people can ever meet because it is what we need, not them.  When our expectations aren’t met, then we blame the other person, become resentful, and live in disappointment.  This fills up our bucket with lies saying that we can’t do it on our own, we aren’t capable, and then we become even more needy of others… and the cycle continues.

When I started my business, all the technology overwhelmed me.  I kept asking my husband to just do it for me.  He is way better on computers and could figure it out in half the time I could.  But my husband is busy with his own work and I didn’t like having to wait.  I just expected him to drop everything and help me!  But, because he didn’t, I had to learn all the technology myself.  I figured out my own programs and systems.  I had to ask for help from Google and through the help options with the different programs I was using.  In the end, I felt so empowered and confident figuring it all out myself.  It sent huge deposits into my “Capable” bucket.  I would of never known I was capable if I wasn’t willing to just try and figure it out myself.  I still asked for help, but it was me taking the initiative.  I had to remind myself that this was my business and I shouldn’t be putting this on someone else because of my own fears, then blaming them when they say no.

The more trust you have in yourself, the better partner you become in a relationship.  You learn to take care of your own needs and learn to rely on yourself to make it happen.  You set the other person free from your constant disappointment.  When you trust yourself and learn to do hard things, then you earn your self-confidence.  You are the only person who can fill your own bucket.

A mixed-faith marriage opens the door for many opportunities to see what you really are capable of on your own.  You will have to figure many things out and stand alone in some of your beliefs.  There are many times when we just want someone else to do things for us or be something else for us, but that only adds to our “Not Capable” bucket.  However, I know you are a capable of so much and can set your marriage free from so much disappointment and resentment.

You’ve got this, Who better than you?

If you need help getting started with learning to really trust yourself to build your self-confidence, then sign-up here for your free consultation call.  Let’s chat and see where you want to go in your life and in your marriage.  (I only have a few spots left open)

 

 

 

The One On: Do You Feel Like Giving Up On Your Marriage?

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Do you ever feel like giving up on your marriage?

It’s just too hard.

It feels like two different people trying to force something to work.

So many compromises.  You give in to something to make peace, but end up building up a wall of resentment.

You may be asking yourself: How did I end up here?

This isn’t what I chose.  Why do people have to change so much?  How much do I have to change to make this work?

You start to lose faith in the relationship.

You might be scared and worried and want to just run away from it all.  However, the kids are keeping you together.  What is best for them?

To all of you who feel hopeless in this moment, who wonder if your marriage is even worth it…

The answer is yes.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Corinthians 13:7

There is hope.

Things may not look like you thought, but love can still be found everywhere.  It’s because God is in every detail of your life, and He is Love.

A Love Mindset can heal anything.  When love is the driving force for all your decisions and reactions, then you can endure anything.

Sign-up Here to get help with your mindset.  Learn to make decisions from a place of love.

(I don’t ever condone or excuse any kind of abuse, if you are in a situation where you are being physically or emotionally abused, then follow the promptings you receive and don’t talk yourself out of them)

 

The One On How To Cope With Stress In Your Marriage.

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Satan is darkness.  The very blackest of colors there is.  He wants us to stay hidden and keep things in the dark.  Where things can grow, fester, confuse us, keep us lost,  and feel completely hopeless.  It’s where things become out of control because they aren’t being dealt with.  We start to act in ways we normally wouldn’t or do things that don’t feel like us because we haven’t taken care of all the things buried inside of us.

Instead of dealing with all the pain and negative feelings, we avoid them.  Bury them deeper and deeper, hoping they will somehow vanish.  The problem is, they never disappear.  They are just slowly building up and will eventually come out in ways you least expect from yourself.

Christ is light.  He is the brightest of all colors.  He is transparent, clear, and pure.  When things are brought out into the light, then we can begin dealing with them.  We can even use Christ when dealing with them.  Things in our life need to be looked in the face, seen, understood, and dealt with so we can bring change if we want it.

This applies to every aspect of our lives, but most importantly to our relationships.

We may be harboring things that our spouse does or things that happened to us as a child, and when they haven’t been truly dealt with, then our spouse is an easy target to take things out on or blame for things.

How do we get things into the light and properly deal with them so we aren’t unintentionally ruining our relationships?

The best way place to start, that is completely free, is through writing it all out.  We need to empty what is inside of us to let better things fill us back up and it can begin with writing it all down.  I always tell my clients that they can burn the paper or throw it away when they are done.

Writing is so powerful because you can see what is really going on inside of you and begin to face it, without an outside opinion involved.  Sometimes we just need to think something through and process it before we decide to hear what others have to say about it.

There have been times in my life where I felt very alone.  I didn’t think anyone would understand me or even cared to know what I was going through.  Or if it involved  someone else, I didn’t want to feel like I was talking bad about them to others.  I began to write out my thoughts about how I was feeling and what I was dealing with.  This would lead to insights and help to understand why I was feeling a certain way.  Then if I needed more help, I would pray or talk to someone I trusted.

Marriage can be very stressful.  Life in general can feel stressful.  They key is to get out what is causing the stress so that you can take care of it in the way you want to instead of reacting to it and taking it out on others.

I wake up early and write every morning.  I just start writing whatever is on my mind.  I don’t worry about my penmanship, I don’t judge the things I am writing, I just know that I am trying to empty out whatever I am feeling so that I can take a look at it.  Once I look at it, I can decide if I want to change it.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself while you are writing:

*What am I afraid of? Why?

*What is really bothering me? Why?  (answer) Why? (answer)… the more times you keep asking yourself “why”- the deeper you will get to the real issue.  P.S.- all roads lead back to you somehow.  Which is great news because you are the only person you can really change.

*I like to ask myself: What’s the matter love?

*What feels the most stressful right now? Why?

*Is this really true?

*I’m feeling so ________ because __________.

None of these are meant to solve your problem, but it is the first step to awareness and getting things out into the light.  As a coach, I help you to know what to do with all these thoughts and how to move forward from them.  But even just having more self-awareness around why you do the things you do or what has buried itself inside you- will bring you some freedom and relief.

Don’t keep things in the dark.  It only makes things worse.  Brings things out so that things can get better.  After I finish writing, I like to go and pray about it.  I think of the song, I Know that My Redeemer Lives, when it says:

He lives to comfort me when faint. 
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint. 
He lives to silence all my fears. 
He lives to wipe away all my tears. 
He lives to calm my troubled heart.  He lives all blessings to impart.

Pray to Heavenly Father and let Him hear your soul’s complaint.  Empty it all out and I promise you that He will fill you back up with exactly what you need to heal and move forward.

P.S.  I help my clients know what to do with the things that come up for them.  Let’s get on a call so I can hear where you feel stuck and where you aren’t sure how to move forward.  Click Here to schedule your live call with me.  It’s time to begin healing.

One of the Best Investments you will ever make.

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When you are investing into something now, the hope is to gain even more for the future.

What if you were to invest time, attention, and love into your marriage now so that you could reap even more rewards in the future?

I think about all the time I spent investing my time and energy into my children when they were little.  I bought many parenting books and even took a parenting class.  I chose to invest in spending time with them and being there for them when there needs felt demanding.  There were many days when I felt exhausted and couldn’t see the fruits of my labor.

However, now that my children are a little bit older and more independent, I am reaping all the rewards of putting the time into establishing good habits and behavior.  I took the time earlier on to build a more solid foundation.

The same can be true for ourselves and our marriage.  The more we invest into them now, the more rewards we will continue to reap later on.  It can begin today.  It doesn’t matter how long you have been married or what you have been through, you can begin to build a new foundation today.

However, the problem with investments for some people is that you aren’t meant to see instant results.  It is a slow and steady process that builds over time.  Many of us are too impatient and so we revert back to what will work in this moment, even though we may pay for it later.

I just watched the movie, Free Solo.  It was about Alex Honnold who climbed El Cap without any ropes.  The most impressive part to me was the time he invested to get every step right.  Months of recording his moves, practicing, and working towards his goal.  He invested and sacrificed so much of himself so he could achieve what he really wanted.  Yes, it was life or death for him, but how much are we willing to sacrifice and invest to keep our families together?

It begins with one step at a time.  Maybe you need to invest in some coaching or counseling to learn skills to navigate your marriage better.  It could be investing in making time each day for your spouse, letting them be a priority in your life.  It could also be investing time into loving and taking care of yourself so you can take better care of others.

The Lord wants us to do things that will be good for us, not what may feel easy or good in the moment.  This means at times we have to learn to wait to see our rewards, but when we do, it is always worth it and beyond what we imagined.  I would give anything to feel what Alex felt at the top of that mountain.  The reward is as sweet as the effort it took to get it.

Go get it.

Investing into your marriage now, is investing into your eternity. 

Click Here to get on a free call with me and begin investing into your future family.  Let’s do this together.

The One On: Where is God in my Mixed-Faith Marriage?

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Heavenly Father always meets us where we are at.  Even though He knows our full potential, He still guides us based on where we are in this moment.

The same is true for your mixed-faith marriage.  He knows the potential it can have, yet He will meet you right where it is in this moment.

This moment might be really hard.  It might look like there is no future in your marriage or hard to even see that it could get better.

He is there.

I read something a man wrote today about his mixed-faith marriage.  His wife has left the church and today he said that he was glad it happened.  He can now really see her, hear her, understand her, and even choose her.

Many of you cannot see yourself ever being able to say that you are glad your husband left the Church or are even grateful for it.  Especially during the beginning of him leaving or even in the middle of trying to work through everything.  However, this man has made it through the other side and can honestly say that.

The other side is when you start to see the light make its way through the clouds.

The journey to get there may be long and filled with a lot of pain, but the Lord is with you in every moment of it.  He can see where your marriage can go.  One thing to keep in mind is that He is never in a hurry.  Heavenly Father wants us to really learn something deep inside us before we move on, but He still there even when things don’t look like we imagined.

I want to walk beside you as you make your way.  I believe it is possible and have helped many clients start to see the light on the other side.  You can have an even better marriage then before your husband left.  Might sound crazy, but it is true.  I can help you.

Click Here for me to hear your story and get you to where you want to go.

The One On: How to Feed your Mixed-Faith Marriage.

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A marriage is like an appetite.  It needs to be nourished and fed properly.  We don’t want to give it “empty” calories- saying things we don’t really mean or not having any truth behind our words.  We also don’t want to force feed it with whatever we feel like eating.

In a mixed-faith marriage, we aren’t eating the same foods anymore, but we can still enjoy different foods at the same table.

We want to feed our marriage so it can continue to grow and even thrive.  When we are starving to be heard, starving to be seen, or starving to be understood in our marriage- then we don’t always act like our best selves.  I start to lose my patience and energy when I have gone too long from food.

To keep your marriage healthy, it is important for your spouse to be able to share his new beliefs with you since leaving the Church.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but if you starve your spouse of this, they can build even more resentment towards the Church and disconnect in the marriage.

I know it is hard to swallow sometimes what they are thinking and feeling.  It can feel very scary and you may believe they are under the influence of Satan or other negative influences.  Whatever you may believe, no one wants to feel like they are evil because they don’t see things the way you do anymore.

If you have to start with hearing little bites at a time, then start there.  Be very open with your spouse about how much you can digest.  The important thing is that the marriage is continually being fed with love, understanding, and patience.

I know how hard this can feel, it’s almost like being on a restrictive diet: uncomfortable, painful, and we just want to run from it.  However, there are good reasons why learning to listen to our spouse and not taking any of it personal is very healthy for your marriage in the long-term.  Most of us don’t see results right away when we begin a diet.  You may not see results in this right away, but I promise they will come.

Let me be your personal trainer and help you learn to digest all the changes that come when a spouse changes beliefs.  CLICK HERE to get started.

 

 

 

The One On: Can Complaining Be Useful in a Marriage?

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My girls love to complain about each other.

Do you ever complain in your marriage?  Does complaining fix the problem?

I am always telling my clients that they need to be telling their husbands how they are really feeling about something so that they don’t build resentment and put up walls, which ultimately can lead to feeling disconnected and alone in your marriage.

There is a difference however in complaining and sharing how you are feeling with your spouse.

Complaining is when you are expressing your annoyance with something, finding fault, but aren’t really doing anything about it.  Complaining usually sounds like:  you always…, you never…., you should be…, you shouldn’t be… etc.

Complaining can seem so innocent because it feels like you are just sharing the news with everyone.  This is the truth.  I’m not going to pretend like this isn’t really happening.

Gratitude on the other hand is the complete opposite of complaining.  It can also sound like just sharing the news and is the truth.  But it feels a lot better to think about.

Gratitude focuses on the things that are going right and complaining focuses on all the things going wrong.  Both feel true.

So how do we express how we feel when we aren’t feeling good about something?  There is something bothering us or we are starting to feel resentful about a behavior.

Complaining is easier to do.  It just keeps coming out, but it is very negative.  Many of us complain without even noticing it, it’s like second nature.  However, when you are sharing how you really feel about something, you can feel nervous and uneasy, but there can be a calmness when you are sharing it.  It feels very vulnerable, which makes most people want to hide and not say anything.

It is easy to see why we end up complaining instead.  It is easier.  The problem with everything else that is easier in the moment, is it always leads to a dead end.  There are no real solutions that come from complaining.  It’s only prize is that it was easier to say.  The more we choose things that are harder in the moment- like genuinely sharing your feelings no matter how they may be received, will bring you what you really want.  An open and deeper relationship.  One built on trust and understanding.

When any of my kids start to complain, I immediately tune them out and get upset.  I start to think they are ungrateful or I try to make them see the good in their situation.  I usually get defensive and make it mean something about me as their Mom.  However, when I listen to them tell me their true feelings about something, although at times it can be hard to hear, I really do take to heart what they are saying.  I may not show it in that moment, but I hear them and will think about it.

This is true for all relationships.  Complaining causes others to tune you out and build resentment because they will feel like they can never make you happy.  You will never be satisfied.  By sharing your true feelings without expecting anything in return, this is what opens an opportunity for the other person to consider your feelings.  Not always, but either way you won’t build resentment by keeping it all in and complaining about it later.

Knowing the difference in your marriage will change communication completely.  What if you just decided today that you aren’t going to complain anymore because there isn’t any upside to it?  Notice how much better you will feel in your life and marriage.

I just sat down my daughter this week and explained the difference between complaining and sharing her feelings, we were able to really problem solve her issue after she realized the difference.  Get on a call with me and I help you solve your problems.  Click Here to set up a time to chat.

The One On: Joy Versus Pleasure

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A few years ago I was taking my daughter on a date.  We decided to ride our bikes to the nearest ice cream place.  It was a summer evening and the sun was starting to go down.  I felt the warm breeze on my face and watched my ballerina daughter riding in front of me.

I had a moment.  I felt instantly in that moment pure joy.  I realized in that moment that we didn’t have to travel around the world, be millionaires, have my dream home, or anything else I believed up until that moment that would finally make me happy… I realized that joy was already inside of me.  I just needed to pause, be present in the moment, and notice how grateful my thoughts were.

Grateful to spend this time with her one-on-one, loving the beautiful warm sun on us, feeling my body free to ride my bike, and thinking there wasn’t any other place I would rather be.

That moment changed me.  I had felt sorry for myself for a long time always thinking about all the things I felt like I was missing out on in my life.  I felt grateful for the basic things, but really thought my true happiness was tied to things outside of me.

If my husband did certain things, then I would be happy in my marriage.  If my child would stop behaving a certain way, then I could enjoy being a Mom.  If we had way more money, then we would never feel stress again… the list could go on.

Joy comes from within us, from managing our mind, and pleasure comes from outside of us.

We have been trained through society and marketing that the way to feel better is to seek pleasure.  The crazy thing is- the more pleasure we seek and the more we go outside of ourselves to feel that hit of pleasure, the less joy we feel.  Alternatively, the more joy we feel in our lives, the less we need to seek outside of us for pleasure.

Pleasure from outside things can work for awhile or for a quick minute.  It gives us a  quick release from the feelings we don’t want to be feeling or deal with.  But it never lasts.

My life changed when I realized the only thing I need to be seeking or managing is my mind.  I don’t need to spend so much energy trying to control things outside of me to feel better.  It was exhausting and I always felt like I was on a roller coaster with my feelings.

Now I feel a deep joy and gratitude for even the smallest things in my life.  I still have big dreams, but they are just the icing on the already amazing cake.  The joy was already in my mind, I just had to see it.

Getting on a call with me is the first step to feeling more joy in your life.  I give you the space on the call to share how you are really feeling about something, then I show you how you can feel better that lasts.  CLICK HERE to get your free call with me.

 

The Secret to Lasting Change in your Marriage.

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Think about something small consistently done over time.  The compounding effect it would have.  Good or bad.

What if you worked out everyday consistently for an entire year?  What would happen to your body?  Would you see results the first day?  The first week?  The first month?  Would it be inevitable that you saw results?

Think about your marriage.  What if you started to do something small or stopped doing something small consistently- what would happen over time?  Would anyone notice right away?  In a week?  In a month?

For example:

What would happen if you looked for one thing your husband did that day that you were grateful for and told him?  Everyday.

What would happen over time if you listened to your spouse to understand him, before trying to be understood?

What if you gave him the same kind of attention that you give your kids?

These are only a few example, but think to yourself and your specific situation:    What one thing could you do (you aren’t doing now) that if you did on a regular basis, would make a huge positive difference in your marriage?

Whatever small thing you decide, will make a difference for YOU.  It will make you a better person as you try each day to make a small change.

Do not underestimate the power of something that is compounded over time.  We all like to see instant results, which is why so many of us quit something right before we start to see the impact it could have in our lives.  However, learning to see the big picture and how our actions impact us over time, makes all the difference.

Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least. -Goethe

You are in your marriage for the long run.  Do the things that will have a lasting impact.  Sometimes these are just the small and simple things added up over time.

Did you know that you can get a free session with me?  Click Here to schedule a time to chat if you are ready to make some real, lasting positive changes in your marriage.

The One On: What You Should be Paying Attention to in your Marriage.

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These shorts will definitely get your attention.

Whatever you give attention to: grows.

There is positive attention and negative attention.  Both will make something grow.

You will be able to tell what you are giving attention to by the way you spend your time and what you are constantly thinking about.

If I pay attention to all the things my husband isn’t doing, then my resentment, frustration, and disconnection grows for him.  If I’m paying attention to the things he is already doing right, noticing the small ways he is trying, and give him attention for those things, then my love, patience, and connection grows for him.

If I spend hours on social media and pay attention to the need for likes, approval, and constantly comparing, although I am paying attention to myself, it is in a negative way and results in me not feeling good about myself.  My insecurities, self-doubt, and judgement of others grows.  If I pay attention to my own strengths without needing others to see it, meet my own needs, and allow others and God to love me the way I am today, then I am paying attention to myself that grows a deep love and respect for myself.

If I believe my child’s behavior is a reflection of me as a mother, then I will pay attention to all their shortcomings, failures, and annoying behaviors.  My need to fix them grows and so does my disconnection.  If I take myself out of it and see my child for who they are and who they are trying to be, pay attention to all the small details that I love about them, pay attention to them when they are telling me something, and just love them for who they are today- then a deep love grows for them and my need to control slowly starts to die.

We are asked to read the scriptures and pray often because when we do, it puts our attention on learning about the Savior, our relationship to Him, and what we need to be doing in our own lives.  This grows our love for Him and grows our testimonies.

There are always positive things and negative things to every situation, which one are you going to give attention to?

I suggest you pay positive attention to the things that matter in your life.  It will grow.  Pay attention to the things you love and your love will grow.

Can’t stop feeling negative about someone?  Get on a 30 minute call with me so I can show you how.  Click Here to chat with me.