The One On: Are You Feeling Lonely In Your Marriage?

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Do you ever feel exhausted in your marriage?  The thought of trying to change things sounds tiring and overwhelming?

It could be that you are feeling lonely.

Loneliness is a lethargic feeling.  It makes us feel tired and exhausted.  When felt for a long period of time, it can feel isolating and like there is no hope.

The opposite of loneliness is connection and inclusion.  When we are feeling connected to someone else, it brings us energy.  It doesn’t have to be a group of people, just feeling seen and heard by another person you trust can bring large amounts of energy and peace.

Many people are feeling lonely in their marriage, but especially those who have different beliefs in the home.  Both partners are feeling very lonely, but for different reasons.

The spouse who has stayed in the Church can feel lonely about:

-Not being on the same page anymore.
-Torn between how to raise the kids when it use to feel like everyone was moving in the same direction.
-Not being able to share spiritual experiences or thoughts anymore, which feels like a big part of who they are.
-Going to church alone or with just the kids, and it not feeling the same anymore.
-Afraid of others judging them or treating them differently at church.
-The Gospel feeling like a “hot” topic at home and contentious, instead of something that builds connection and peace.

The spouse who has left the Church also feels very lonely about:

-Not being allowed to really share how they feel.
-Worried about being rejected by parents or friends.
-Sad for the pain they have caused their spouse.
-Misses the friendships and relationships they had with other members.
-Feels betrayed and hurt by the Church.

There are many more ways that could be added to these lists, but the point is that both people in the marriage could be feeling lonely- and loneliness can make you feel like: What’s the point?

Here is my point:

You don’t have to have the same beliefs to feel connected and happy with your spouse, you just need to feel like you can confide and trust the other person.

Trust takes time to rebuild again, but it is possible.  Trust to start sharing your real feelings and allowing your spouse to share their real feelings.  Trust that everything will be okay even when it looks different that you want it too or imagined.  Trust that your love for each other will help heal and mend things that feel broken in this moment.

Begin to confide and trust in each other again.  This will bring peace and energy to keep moving forward together.  It doesn’t mean that you won’t feel sad at times that things are different, that’s okay, but you don’t need to feel so alone in your marriage.

We all feel lonely at times, but there is always hope.

If you need help starting to trust again in your relationship, I can help.  Click Here to get on a free call to learn more.

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The One On: Feeling Judged By Others For Your Spouse Leaving The Church?

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“Often incorrect judgments are made because of limited information or because we do not see beyond that which is immediately in front of us.”  -Elder Gregory A. Schwitzer

Everyday we are making judgments.  It is a part of our agency, meant to help us return to our Heavenly Father.

However, most of us are judging others that isn’t used in a way that serves us.

And we have all felt judged and misunderstood by another person.  It feels terrible.

Hiding becomes our answer to avoid judgement.

*We hide our true feelings or thoughts from others because we are afraid of how they will respond, especially if it is with anger.

*We hide our struggles and questions we have about our faith because we are afraid our spouse might leave us.

*We hide who we really are at church because we don’t want to feel judged or talked about by other members.

Anytime we hide our true selves, it is because we are afraid of being judged.

The problem with hiding, is that we slowly lose ourselves and aren’t really living our best lives.  We aren’t experiencing our fullest potential in life and in our relationships.  We are missing out on real connection, from hiding behind someone we aren’t.

The most beautiful and whole relationship, is one where each person is free to be themselves and know they are still loved.

Many of you who have a spouse that has left the Church, worry about the judgments of your family and friends.  You feel anxious about your spouse really sharing their new beliefs with them and everyone judging you and him for it.  None of us like to feel judged, it seems easier to hide.

Although it seems easier, it always comes with a price.  We start to resent others where we can’t really be ourselves.  Or we continue to hide more and more of ourselves and end up distancing from the relationship or environment.  It feels easier in the moment, but really it puts you in a constant state of worry.

For me, it is like when I use to play hide and go seek growing up.  The little bit of fear I felt waiting to be found, not knowing when they would find me… it didn’t make me feel safe, it only made me worried.  There was some relief when I was finally found.  There is relief that can come when you are finally found out and think- This is Me.  This is Us.  This is Him.

There is this peaceful place where you start to realize that your opinion is the only one that truly matters.  You choose your spouse feeling like himself over the judgments of others.  It can feel very uncomfortable in the moment, but on the other side is peace from not hiding anymore.

How do you learn to not worry as much about the opinions of your family and friends judging your spouse for leaving?

It begins first with you giving space to your husband to be himself.  So he doesn’t have to hide what he really believes and is feeling.  This takes time, love, a lot of patience, and even some outside help.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything, but you are trying to understand and allow him to come into the light to be seen.

Once you and your husband work through the many issues that come when there are two different beliefs in the home, then you can start working on the people outside of your relationship.  Most people are judging others by only what can be seen on the outside.  They may or may not understand your marriage or spouse, and that is okay.

I give you permission to never have to explain yourself to anyone.  Those who truly want to understand, will take the time to.  Otherwise there will always be judgment, but my hope is that you will be brave enough to stop hiding from it and stand in who you really are.

Need help with hearing your husband’s new beliefs and perspectives now that he has left?  Let me help you feel less worried about everything and begin to feel some peace in your situation.  Click Here to set up a free call to learn more.

The One On: Are You Playing It “Safe” In Your Marriage?

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When my kids think of fears, they think of spiders, dark rooms, and Slappy from Goosebumps.  But as humans, some of our deepest fears are really the fear of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable.

We don’t always know we are consciously afraid of these things, therefore most of us are playing it “safe” in our marriages.

I call it Safe-Love.

Safe-Love is when you don’t allow yourself to be completely open (vulnerable) with your spouse because you don’t want to feel as hurt if they were ever to abandon you, not love you anymore, or see you as unworthy.

It feels safe and protective to not take things too deep and to just deal with the typical things that couples argue about.  But really it just puts a wedge in your marriage and you end up complaining and sabotaging your relationship about surface level problems.

Here is an example.

I had a good friend whose Father cheated on her Mom as a child.  He eventually left the family to be with the other woman.  My friend started to believe that men cheat on women.  She would see all the evidence that kept proving that true to her: she saw it in movies, with other friends, and in books she read.  In College, her boyfriend ended up cheating on her.  This really solidified her belief.  It didn’t matter how many men she personally knew that didn’t cheat, she could only see the ones who did.

My friend got married to a wonderful man.  He never gave her a reason for her to worry.  However, she still carried this very deep fear of being abandoned.  She began to play it “safe” in her marriage.  She never really opened her whole self up to her husband in case he ever cheated on her.  My friend didn’t worry everyday if he was cheating on her, but she had thoughts that if she was the perfect wife and was agreeable, he would never cheat on her.  This fear drove so many of her behaviors that weren’t even really her.  She would begin to find little things that bothered her about her husband and would complain to friends or her Mom.  It felt “safe” to find things wrong, in case he ever did leave her.

It wasn’t until my friend was able to discover this very deep fear (through coaching), that she was able to let go of it.  She could see over the years of her marriage how it had caused a disconnection with her husband because she never really allowed herself to trust him.  She had to keep herself “safe”.

Safe-Love keeps us from really being ourselves and sharing how we really feel with our spouse.  But it takes this kind of vulnerability to build a real connection in your marriage.  You are all in.  You face every issue, big or small, as they come and learn to love yourself and your spouse deeply.

Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement.  Trust isn’t a grand gesture- it’s putting in one marble at at time and growing a marble collection.  -Brene Brown

It is a huge risk to love another human being.  None of us are perfect, we all have fears, and we will hurt others.  Until we become aware of the fears that are blocking us in our lives, then we will be afraid to truly connect with another human being.

I use to wonder if it was worth it to face these fears?  Could I handle the pain if my relationship didn’t work out?  I realized for myself and told my friend, that we will never regret going all in on ourselves and in our relationships.

To love is to risk it all, but it is worth it.  Whether you end up together or not, you will have stayed in integrity with yourself and truly loved another person.

Love feels the best.  We are the closest to being like our Savior when we are feeling love.  He risked it all for us.  He is all in with us… because of love.

Are you all in?

No more Safe-Love.  Let me help you with the walls that feel protective, but have kept others out.  Click Here to get your free call to learn more.

The One On: How To Build Trust In A Mixed-Faith Marriage.

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I want you to imagine two buckets.  One says: Capable, and the other says: Not Capable.  Each day we are filling up these buckets.  When we fill up our “Capable” Bucket, then self-confidence and self-trust overflows inside of us.  When we fill up our “Not Capable” Bucket, then self-doubt and insecurities take over.

How do we know which bucket we are filling up more?

You will know by how much you trust yourself.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone (you) or something.

Here are some questions to assess your level of self-trust that I created, some are from my BFF Brene Brown:

*Do I respect my own boundaries?  Am I clear about what is okay and what is not okay?

*Am I reliable?  Do I do what I say I am going to do?  Even if it is just to myself.

*Do I hold myself accountable?  Do I take responsibility for my life?

*Do I respect the privacy of others?  Can they trust me?

*Do I act from my integrity? (Choosing to practice my values rather than simply professing them).

*Do I ask for what I need?  Do I judge myself about needing help?

*Am I kind and generous towards myself?

*Do I have my own back?  Can I trust that I will support myself through every failure?

Self-trust is vital in relationships.  If you don’t trust yourself, then you will find it hard to trust others and you will live in a constant state of disappointment.  Here is how it works:

When we don’t trust ourselves and keep filling up the “Not Capable” Bucket, then we rely on others to help us get what we need.  So we set up expectations that very few people can ever meet because it is what we need, not them.  When our expectations aren’t met, then we blame the other person, become resentful, and live in disappointment.  This fills up our bucket with lies saying that we can’t do it on our own, we aren’t capable, and then we become even more needy of others… and the cycle continues.

When I started my business, all the technology overwhelmed me.  I kept asking my husband to just do it for me.  He is way better on computers and could figure it out in half the time I could.  But my husband is busy with his own work and I didn’t like having to wait.  I just expected him to drop everything and help me!  But, because he didn’t, I had to learn all the technology myself.  I figured out my own programs and systems.  I had to ask for help from Google and through the help options with the different programs I was using.  In the end, I felt so empowered and confident figuring it all out myself.  It sent huge deposits into my “Capable” bucket.  I would of never known I was capable if I wasn’t willing to just try and figure it out myself.  I still asked for help, but it was me taking the initiative.  I had to remind myself that this was my business and I shouldn’t be putting this on someone else because of my own fears, then blaming them when they say no.

The more trust you have in yourself, the better partner you become in a relationship.  You learn to take care of your own needs and learn to rely on yourself to make it happen.  You set the other person free from your constant disappointment.  When you trust yourself and learn to do hard things, then you earn your self-confidence.  You are the only person who can fill your own bucket.

A mixed-faith marriage opens the door for many opportunities to see what you really are capable of on your own.  You will have to figure many things out and stand alone in some of your beliefs.  There are many times when we just want someone else to do things for us or be something else for us, but that only adds to our “Not Capable” bucket.  However, I know you are a capable of so much and can set your marriage free from so much disappointment and resentment.

You’ve got this, Who better than you?

If you need help getting started with learning to really trust yourself to build your self-confidence, then sign-up here for your free consultation call.  Let’s chat and see where you want to go in your life and in your marriage.  (I only have a few spots left open)

 

 

 

The One On: Do You Feel Like Giving Up On Your Marriage?

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Do you ever feel like giving up on your marriage?

It’s just too hard.

It feels like two different people trying to force something to work.

So many compromises.  You give in to something to make peace, but end up building up a wall of resentment.

You may be asking yourself: How did I end up here?

This isn’t what I chose.  Why do people have to change so much?  How much do I have to change to make this work?

You start to lose faith in the relationship.

You might be scared and worried and want to just run away from it all.  However, the kids are keeping you together.  What is best for them?

To all of you who feel hopeless in this moment, who wonder if your marriage is even worth it…

The answer is yes.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Corinthians 13:7

There is hope.

Things may not look like you thought, but love can still be found everywhere.  It’s because God is in every detail of your life, and He is Love.

A Love Mindset can heal anything.  When love is the driving force for all your decisions and reactions, then you can endure anything.

Sign-up Here to get help with your mindset.  Learn to make decisions from a place of love.

(I don’t ever condone or excuse any kind of abuse, if you are in a situation where you are being physically or emotionally abused, then follow the promptings you receive and don’t talk yourself out of them)

 

The One On How To Cope With Stress In Your Marriage.

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Satan is darkness.  The very blackest of colors there is.  He wants us to stay hidden and keep things in the dark.  Where things can grow, fester, confuse us, keep us lost,  and feel completely hopeless.  It’s where things become out of control because they aren’t being dealt with.  We start to act in ways we normally wouldn’t or do things that don’t feel like us because we haven’t taken care of all the things buried inside of us.

Instead of dealing with all the pain and negative feelings, we avoid them.  Bury them deeper and deeper, hoping they will somehow vanish.  The problem is, they never disappear.  They are just slowly building up and will eventually come out in ways you least expect from yourself.

Christ is light.  He is the brightest of all colors.  He is transparent, clear, and pure.  When things are brought out into the light, then we can begin dealing with them.  We can even use Christ when dealing with them.  Things in our life need to be looked in the face, seen, understood, and dealt with so we can bring change if we want it.

This applies to every aspect of our lives, but most importantly to our relationships.

We may be harboring things that our spouse does or things that happened to us as a child, and when they haven’t been truly dealt with, then our spouse is an easy target to take things out on or blame for things.

How do we get things into the light and properly deal with them so we aren’t unintentionally ruining our relationships?

The best way place to start, that is completely free, is through writing it all out.  We need to empty what is inside of us to let better things fill us back up and it can begin with writing it all down.  I always tell my clients that they can burn the paper or throw it away when they are done.

Writing is so powerful because you can see what is really going on inside of you and begin to face it, without an outside opinion involved.  Sometimes we just need to think something through and process it before we decide to hear what others have to say about it.

There have been times in my life where I felt very alone.  I didn’t think anyone would understand me or even cared to know what I was going through.  Or if it involved  someone else, I didn’t want to feel like I was talking bad about them to others.  I began to write out my thoughts about how I was feeling and what I was dealing with.  This would lead to insights and help to understand why I was feeling a certain way.  Then if I needed more help, I would pray or talk to someone I trusted.

Marriage can be very stressful.  Life in general can feel stressful.  They key is to get out what is causing the stress so that you can take care of it in the way you want to instead of reacting to it and taking it out on others.

I wake up early and write every morning.  I just start writing whatever is on my mind.  I don’t worry about my penmanship, I don’t judge the things I am writing, I just know that I am trying to empty out whatever I am feeling so that I can take a look at it.  Once I look at it, I can decide if I want to change it.

Here are some good questions to ask yourself while you are writing:

*What am I afraid of? Why?

*What is really bothering me? Why?  (answer) Why? (answer)… the more times you keep asking yourself “why”- the deeper you will get to the real issue.  P.S.- all roads lead back to you somehow.  Which is great news because you are the only person you can really change.

*I like to ask myself: What’s the matter love?

*What feels the most stressful right now? Why?

*Is this really true?

*I’m feeling so ________ because __________.

None of these are meant to solve your problem, but it is the first step to awareness and getting things out into the light.  As a coach, I help you to know what to do with all these thoughts and how to move forward from them.  But even just having more self-awareness around why you do the things you do or what has buried itself inside you- will bring you some freedom and relief.

Don’t keep things in the dark.  It only makes things worse.  Brings things out so that things can get better.  After I finish writing, I like to go and pray about it.  I think of the song, I Know that My Redeemer Lives, when it says:

He lives to comfort me when faint. 
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint. 
He lives to silence all my fears. 
He lives to wipe away all my tears. 
He lives to calm my troubled heart.  He lives all blessings to impart.

Pray to Heavenly Father and let Him hear your soul’s complaint.  Empty it all out and I promise you that He will fill you back up with exactly what you need to heal and move forward.

P.S.  I help my clients know what to do with the things that come up for them.  Let’s get on a call so I can hear where you feel stuck and where you aren’t sure how to move forward.  Click Here to schedule your live call with me.  It’s time to begin healing.

One of the Best Investments you will ever make.

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When you are investing into something now, the hope is to gain even more for the future.

What if you were to invest time, attention, and love into your marriage now so that you could reap even more rewards in the future?

I think about all the time I spent investing my time and energy into my children when they were little.  I bought many parenting books and even took a parenting class.  I chose to invest in spending time with them and being there for them when there needs felt demanding.  There were many days when I felt exhausted and couldn’t see the fruits of my labor.

However, now that my children are a little bit older and more independent, I am reaping all the rewards of putting the time into establishing good habits and behavior.  I took the time earlier on to build a more solid foundation.

The same can be true for ourselves and our marriage.  The more we invest into them now, the more rewards we will continue to reap later on.  It can begin today.  It doesn’t matter how long you have been married or what you have been through, you can begin to build a new foundation today.

However, the problem with investments for some people is that you aren’t meant to see instant results.  It is a slow and steady process that builds over time.  Many of us are too impatient and so we revert back to what will work in this moment, even though we may pay for it later.

I just watched the movie, Free Solo.  It was about Alex Honnold who climbed El Cap without any ropes.  The most impressive part to me was the time he invested to get every step right.  Months of recording his moves, practicing, and working towards his goal.  He invested and sacrificed so much of himself so he could achieve what he really wanted.  Yes, it was life or death for him, but how much are we willing to sacrifice and invest to keep our families together?

It begins with one step at a time.  Maybe you need to invest in some coaching or counseling to learn skills to navigate your marriage better.  It could be investing in making time each day for your spouse, letting them be a priority in your life.  It could also be investing time into loving and taking care of yourself so you can take better care of others.

The Lord wants us to do things that will be good for us, not what may feel easy or good in the moment.  This means at times we have to learn to wait to see our rewards, but when we do, it is always worth it and beyond what we imagined.  I would give anything to feel what Alex felt at the top of that mountain.  The reward is as sweet as the effort it took to get it.

Go get it.

Investing into your marriage now, is investing into your eternity. 

Click Here to get on a free call with me and begin investing into your future family.  Let’s do this together.